Syai

2012-02-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

Everyday I hope to see you. To talk to you. To make myself at peace. But the moment I see you, Im afraid that my good intentions would go wrong. Sigh. How am I suppose to ask you?

Will you be able to accept whatever Im going to say? Will you going to cooperate with me to make things easier for us? Will you keep to what you've said before? Sigh.

I can never lie to myself. I still feel sad when you are there. I still ask myself why did all this happen? I still feel that everything is not right.

Sigh. All I wish for now is for you to listen, to voice out, to compromise. But how am I going to be able to do it?

Im just afraid.

Sigh. All those things that I got to know are still playing in my mind.. All those words that I heard and see are still stuck in my head. How am I suppose to let it all go? What does all that simply means?

Sometimes, I feel that I am never good enough for you. I feel that I am not the one that you are looking for. Sigh. Where's the feeling that makes me secure?

Sometimes, you made me feel that you want those girls who are just like a bitch. Thus, unknowingly, you made me feel that I need to be like them. Sigh. But I know, it's just not right. And I will never be like one..

I just want things to be right. And secure.

I want to start anew .. but I need your help too ..

I love you too much. ;(

2012-02-01T23:57:00.001+08:00

01022012

4 YEARS 2 MONTHS.

No wish from you. sigh

Happy anni.

2011-12-18T23:51:00.003+08:00

Muhammad Nazirul Amin B Maidin

Prince of Syai's Heart

Its been 4 years together, and I really appreciate your presence in my life. I thank Allah for giving me the chance to know you and for sending you for me. I hurt you so much before.. but you are still there for me.. Everyday without fail, I will always thank Him for giving me such a great guy. I will never fail to think about you..

Everyday, i will always put myself in your shoe to feel and think of what i would have done when you are the one creating so much hurt for me.. i have never thought that i could be like you.. if i were to be in your place, i would have left you and never accept you again.. but you didnt. you're there when i came back, looking for you. you're there when i need you even after so much hurt..

I cant ask from Him for a better guy. To me, you're the best and the perfect one. Never think that you are not good enough for me.. Never think that I would look out for a better guy than you. After all those hardships, I have never thought that i could get a better guy than you..

Besides thinking of what you have done for me, sometimes, i do think of myself.. after all those shits that i heard from the people about you, i still cant believe that i am still with you. sometimes, i feel good that i am still with you. cause i know, all that happened is just a test to show how far i can tolerate and how strong i am.. i feel good. i feel great. i am able to move on with you smoothly.. i am still able to stay by your side through everything..

I believe, this is what they called destiny. I believe, this is what they called true love. And I strongly believe, that we are meant for each other.. And you're meant for me.

I dont know if what I have been feeling of myself is what you see me as.. But knowing that feeling within me, it made me feel real good. It made me feel very secured. It made all my fear to fade.. It made me feel that you will never leave me for any other females outside.. I feel that I would be treasured most by you.. But I have to agree, this is all just my feelings. And I will never know what lies within you..

But deep in my tiny heart, I have always hope that it is all true..

Nothing can describe how much I treasure you.. And how much you meant to me.. I thank Him for giving me the best gift in my life after so much bitterness that I have experience in life before you exist in my world.. I thank Him for giving me the strength to fight through everything that passes by.. And also, I thank you for accepting me, loving, caring and pampering me.. Thanks for putting up with me all this while.. Nothing can describe the feeling within me as the days passes by with you in my life..

I love you and I always will..

2011-09-09T21:45:00.003+08:00

Its been a long time since I last updated my blog. Heh.

Hubby has went for his 2nd trip. And soon, on Monday, he will be flying off again to Brunei. Sighs.. Just came back from Taiwan on 29 Aug, now going off again.. And it will go on and on and on until he ORD.

Basically, I have been meeting him almost every single day ever since he came back. Hubby, you did kept to your promise. I love you.

On the 29th Aug, he was suppose to fetch me from my interview. However, he did not. I understand very well that he is really tired and is having his rest even though i was kind of disappointed. But.. My disappointment dissolve when he called me up and ask to meet up. And by the time he called, I was already at home.. I was feeling really tired to go to Bukit Panjang. And.. He was the one that came down to my place to meet me. Hubby, you made me smile so widely on that day. I missed you too much and finally got to meet you! Thanks for the stuffs that you bought for me from Taiwan. I LOVE IT!

The day after raya, 31 Aug, he met me again. He fetch me from my house. Went to send his friend home and then we went off to eat breakfast together at Lot One. And off to school. And he eventually waited for me to end my lesson. Hee. And so, he fetch me. Then we went back to my area.. Spend time together.. And had lunch cum dinner at Burger King. We had some serious talking about the past and future.

Hubby, remember one thing, past is past. I did all that due to my anger. I'm sorry for my mistakes in the past..

010911, Thursday, our 3 years 9 months. Met him in the morning, just like the day before. He fetch me and then went to have breakfast at GreenRidge banquet. Then off he drove me to school.. Was so happy.. But not till the time when he fetch me from school.. It was my mistake.. I ended school late and I told him that I am going to end class soon.. Then we went to West Mall to watch movie, Crazy Stupid Love.. After buying the tickets, we went to buy sushi and ate at Koufu's Indonesian Nasi Ayam.. It was not bad.. By then, we were okay already.. No more moody face.. After watching movie, then we went to chill at the carpark, sitting on his car, enjoying our sushi.. Hehe!

On the friday, 2nd Sept, he came over to my place to fetch me and spent time together.. Unknowingly, we both wore green! We sat by his car and enjoying the cool breeze.. Then I hit my head on the chair.. Hubby thought I cried but the fact was, I was laughing.. Hahaha! Hubby was enjoying himself after that while trying to cheer me up.. Hahaha.. Even though it was just a short time, it was worthwhile..

On Saturday, 3rd Sept, I came down to Jurong Point to meet him.. Brought for him dinner, his favourite dish, Nasi Lemak! Fed him and then off to send him to the interchange as he needs to go to work that night.. Was kind of sad as I began to miss him VERY MUCH !

Sunday and Monday, we didnt get to meet as he was busy..

Tuesday, we met, he fetch me from CCK after I end school and he end work.. Then, we went to chill again.. And off to have our late lunch at KFC, FINALLY ! Hee.. Then we went to watch movie, Bad Teacher.. My first M18 movie.. Hahaha! Then, we went to chill again.. Enjoying the cool wind..

Wednesday, was kind of a bad day.. But at the end of the day, everything was fine.. Thanks hubby for everything.. I love you.. I like it when you hugged and kissed my forehead before I leave.. It made me smile so widely..

Thursday, 08 Sept, hubby fetch me from home as usual and sent me to school.. Then, he fetch me from school.. And we had OCK for early dinner and chilling again at our usual spot, the spot that is always full of breeze.. Then off back home!

Today, met him in the morning.. He sent me for my meeting at ITE Tampines.. Then off to have our lunch at Raihan Cafe. And spent few hours together at our usual spot, camwhoring and surfing net!

Hubby, Im going to miss you so damn much! Quickly finish every of your trip, please!! Sigh. InsyaAllah, we will manage it together.. Love you, dear..

2011-06-19T21:10:00.002+08:00

Went to Hubby's friend engagement ceremony just now along with few of his friends. Had a short argument with Hubby in the morning. But when I meet him, I have got Guylian Chocolate from Hubby. Thanks, Hubby! I love you so much !

I cried when going home cause I know that today is going to be my last day of meeting him before he went off for his Brunei trip. Super sad. I wonder how I am going to survive for THREE weeks without him.

Anyway, after sending his friends off, we went to eat frozen yogurt at Frolicks. Hee. Nice time spent with Hubby today. However, I cant deny that all the way my mind is so disturb by the fact that he is flying off on this Tuesday which is just 2 more days. sighs. I swear I am going to miss him alot. :(

Sorry to have you see me cry. Sorry to make your heart heavy about leaving me here. I just cant hold my tears any longer.

I miss you already.

2011-06-17T22:12:00.006+08:00

Have been meeting Hubby since Monday all the way till Friday. Hee. Happiness strikes. However, soon, I am going to be a lonely girl when Hubby is going to fly off to Brunei for his NS.

Monday,13 June, we met and went to BP area. Hee. Then I got my SkullCandy headphone. Heheh! Thanks dear! And yes, it was the start of everything that went so awesomely awesome. Haha! He went to send off his friend at Changi Airport. So I waited for him. And while waiting for him, I tried on my brand new headphone that he bought for me. It was awesome, man ! I told him about it and I can tell that I am super happy that I could feel that he was much more happier than I am cause he knows that he achieved in making me happy. :) He stay in his camp on that night. So again, I waited for him and eventually fell asleep. But he did called me when he's driving his way back to his camp. He said he wants me to accompany him as he was afraid that he would fall asleep while driving. And so, I woke up and gave him a call. Despite the fact that I am tired, I don't mind talking to him at 3am just to ensure that he's just fine driving back to his camp. I don't know if he knows that. But I really don't mind. Cause I just care for him. Yes dear, anything for you. :)

Tuesday, 14 June, I ended school early. But I didn't know that he work half-day. So, I went to have lunch with my friends and one of my lecturer. On our way back home, I called him. And I got to know that he ended work at 11am. -.- And he sound very different. I almost felt like blowing up. But I kept myself cool. And finally, he told me that he was pissed off as he ended work early, but he could not meet me. At last, we met as I actually have an hour more to spare before my shift starts. So we went to car wash. And then chill together. And yes, it was another fun day with Hubby. :)

Wednesday, 15 June, I had meeting at Simei. I was so afraid that I could not meet him. But at last, I did meet him. Hee. I was so hungry when I was on my way to Frontier from Simei. And as soon as I get into his car.. TAADAA! He gave me chocolate with butter cream waffle. Haha! It was so sweet of him! My gosh. I LIKE! Then, he went to send his friend at Yishun. After that, he sent me back home. However, as usual, before going home, we will always spend time together. Lying down beside him in his comfortable car is just awesome. Had a serious talk about what will happen when he went off for his Brunei trip and so on.. I was trying to hold on to my tears so damn hard. And I made it. His hugs, his kiss, everything just made me melts more into his arms. The fact is, I am so going to miss him when he's away.

Thursday, 16 June, he was suppose to meet me at around 11am till 12noon. But he was so busy with his departure briefing and stuffs. So II eventually went to my workplace to take my pay and wanted to go to Jurong Point to kill time before work and at the same time, wait for him. I don't know why, but on Thursday, I have a strong feeling that I am going to meet him no matter what. Then, while waiting for the bus, I receive a text message from him. And so, I decided to give him a call. And just nice, he told me to wait for him and we headed to Junction 8 to make our couple ring. Hehe! Awesome. The salesgirl keep a wide smile and keep on laughing looking at whatever that I did to him. And said that w both are very cute. Haha! It's all because of the height difference. Haha! Then, we had lunch at LJS as I was so hungry. I can't stop laughing at there cause of the incidents that keeps on happening. Haha! He ordered the Ice Milo drink that comes with the nuggets. And the cashier just gave him the drink incomplete. Then she took the drink back, and put the toppings. Ok, that was fine. When he wanted to take the tray to our table, the cashier stopped us and gave him a spoon and a straw. Guess what, the straw was upside down! The pointed side was on top and the rounded side was dipped in the drink. I was laughing out loud with Hubby while walking to our table. And when he wanted to drink it, I cant help myself but to laugh! Hahah! At his car, I accidentally pressed the horn for twice with my head cause i laughed too much and put my head there. And he also accidentally hit the horn once with his elbow. Haha! Simply, Thursday was a day filled with lots of laughters! :D

Friday, today, 17 June. He called me and ask me out for Brunch so randomly, and I swear I am loving it! And then, as usual, we will end up lying down in his car. Haha! It was another awesome short day for us. Hee. We had lots of laughter that I eventually coughed non-stop due to him. Then he sent me to ITE CCK for my meeting. And awesomely, he eventually send me all the way till I meet my friend. So it means, he eventually went up to the 5th level to send me off for my meeting. And we had a great time climbing the stairs. Haha! I just love it! :)

I love the time spent with Hubby. And how I wish that the time doesn't change or pass by quickly. Everything is just too wonderful for me to get it over. Hubby, thanks for the time spent on me and everything! I love you very very the much!

2011-05-19T22:15:00.003+08:00

180511 Dreams Come True

It was an awesome day with Hubby on the Wednesday, 18/05/11. Who would go out for a date at 0715 ? While everyone is awake to go to work and school, we are busy meeting to go for a date. Everything was so freaking awesome.

He fetched me at my block. I was so afraid that I would be late. But instead, I am early. :) Made for us breakfast. Just a simple breakfast. Well, whatever it is, it is the thoughts that counts. Hee. Egg sandwich. So, we went to have our breakfast along Yew Tee. At the place where the sun shines so brightly on us and where people go for their morning jog. While eating our breakfast, he asked me about where is our next destination. And so, we eventually discussed about where to go and stuffs.

First STOP. I wanted to go to Henderson Wave. We had troubles in finding our way there. Well, actually NOT. Or maybe it is just me. Hahah! But sadded, we still can't find our way to the bridge itself, I mean the carpark to there. Heh. So we eventually went to drop by Telok Blangah Hill Park. It is linked to Henderson Wave Bridge, but we still can't find the carpark to Henderson Wave. :(

And so, he brought me to Kent Ridge Park. But before we reach there, we eventually saw Hort Park. And we walked at the Opium Hill Bridge. The walk was OMG. Haha.. Filled with laughter! All thanks to my high heels as I keep on almost falling as there was so many holes in between the woodplank on the bridge. Haha! We went to watch the different kind of plants there and walked to Kent Ridge Park. And OMG ! The place is so nice and windy ! It was really awesome ! Took lots of pictures. Had lots of fun and laughter. And obviously, my feets were aching already. Hahah. And Hubby can still tease me. But... He carried me down the hill.. And also at the bridge. :)

Then, we went to Labrador Park. Chilling ~ Then had lots of fun chilling in his car after chilling under the hot sun. Hehe. Then, we headed to have our lunch at Naked Fish! AWESOME. We were so hungry and yeah, finished everything! Hehe! Then we headed to Lot One and watch Fast 5 again. For me, it is the 2nd time. But for him, it is the 4th time. Haha! Then again, we chill in his car with lots of fun and laughter and eventually, we didnt notice the time. Heh. But hey! I DONT MIND! hehehe! I even feel like telling Emma to replace me if she is free. haha! But he told me to go to work. So I went. He sent me to work. :)

Oh ya ! Did I tell you.. When we were walking back to the carpark after our movie date, it was about to rain. And so he eventually carried me down the overhead bridge. AWESOME!

Hubby, thanks for everything. I love you very much !! :D

2011-04-29T02:50:00.002+08:00

i just want him to spend more time with me. do things together. have more fun. go out. take lots of pictures. make me feel more pampered. showered me with love all day long. i miss long night talks with him. i simply miss everything. perhaps that is the reason of why i am acting in this manner. furthermore, he is going off to overseas in this june. sighs.

i just miss those moments that we have spent before you went to NS dear. i know you are busy. but.. sighs. maybe im hoping for too much. maybe after all, i am not an understanding girlfriend. sighs. i just miss you and everything.

even now, it is hard for us to go out and have lunch or dinner together. sighs. perhaps, just one time, that you could give me a sudden call and ask me out. sighs. i miss going out with you.

i need to distress myself. and i know you too. but... sighs.

dear, do you remember how many promises that you have made and that you have not delivered. do you remember promising me to go to Hort Park ? do you remember promising me to bring me to USS ?

sighs. i dont mind not going USS or whatever. i just want to go to somewhere nice. somewhere where we can really spend the whole day by ourselves. somewhere that can take tonnes of pictures to be kept as memories. perhaps if you cant afford to bring me out. why not just like we always hang out ? that place too, can take tonnes of pictures. but the problem is .. you always didnt want to take picture. sighs sighs sighs.

perhaps, i just have to bear with all this. maybe after all, we have been too comfortable with each other that we are just ignoring what we both actually wants and most importantly, about our feelings of this relationship.

sighs.

i just need your time and attention. :(

2011-04-24T21:57:00.004+08:00

It's been quite some time that i have not updated my blog. and so , today i am back to update. hehe.

on Monday, 18th April 2011, we were supposed to meet in the afternoon after he ends his work. but sadly, he text me saying that he dont feel like meeting anyone. so, i was seriously upset. however, i kept myself calm and said that there is nothing for me to be upset with. and that he just needed some time by himself. i managed.

at around 9pm that day, i receive his sudden text message which makes me smile and my eyes was tearing when i read it. it was a short and simple message saying. " just so you know.. i miss you soo freaking alot. " this is enough to make my heart soothe. then i replied. but there was no reply from him. and again, i smiled when he called and asked if i can meet him. i smiled. i was so happy that i could meet him at last. and that this time, he was the one that came to me..

when i met him, i realised that his face was down. he looks so sad. my heart sank when i saw his facial expression. i kept on asking what is wrong. but he didnt want to tell me anything. so i kept quiet.

then....

he held my hand tight when i held his hand. then he said to me that he came to meet me to say something.

i look into his eyes, my heart sank again. i could see that he looks as though he was about to cry. his face was serious. my heart became heavy. i was afraid of what he is going to say. then, he pushed my head nearer to his chest. he then kissed my forehead. i could feel the warmness of the kiss. i feel like crying. then he said " sorry. " the moment i heard that, i feel like crying. i was like numb. i wanted to talk. but i know, i would cry. then, i took a deep breathe. and i asked why. he said sorry for everything, for controlling you and just everything. tears was brimming in my eyes. then, i told myself to not cry. then, i said to him that everything is fine. its okay. then he went about to say about his nightmare. and again, the more i feel like crying. and i keep on telling him that everything is going to be okay. and that it was just the play of your sleep. there's nothing to worry.

when my tears is about to fall off, he asked me to go for a stroll with him. so i stood up, held his hands. secretly wipe off my tears. took a deep breathe. and started talking as normal as i can. we talked about his nightmare and what has been done. then, he stopped. he turn to me, and said " i need a hug. " the moment he said that, my heart felt heavy with tears. i hugged him so tight. i could also feel that he hugged me so tight that i could not breathe. eventually, tears fell down from my eyes. i wiped it off when im still in his arms. he walked me home, then before leaving, i hugged him again. and i just burst into tears. i just cant stop crying.

i was so afraid. afraid that i would lose him. i dont feel like going home that moment. i just want to be beside him the whole night, the whole day, the whole time. i want to ensure that he's fine. the way he wiped off my tears... the way he calm me down... i just love him for every of that. the way he suddenly said " is it you or is it me ? " he just know how to make me laugh again. he was referring to my height. he knows how to calm me down. he's simply the best.

i love the part whereby he said " hey, wait. i forget to tell you another thing. " and i was like, " what? "

he then pulled me one side, and kissed me like there's no tomorrow.

baby, i love you. i love you till the extend that i just cant see me without you.

Laza Morgan - This Girl [NEW 2010 Song]

2011-04-04T02:21:00.001+08:00

A song dedicated by Hubby.

2011-04-04T02:06:00.002+08:00

Baby, I believe in our love. I believe that our feelings is true. No matter what we are facing, we will always manage to pull through. With you and me being together, nothing will manage to ruin our relationship. Having you is the greatest thing that I have ever get. I love you more than before. When you said that I am not your girlfriend, I knew you were going to say something better. Thanks for making me feel so happy. I love the way you said that I am your Wife. Thanks dear. I love you.. Love you so much. I have never thought that we could be together for this long. But now, I believe that we will make it till eternity. I love the way you said about the conditions for the facebook thing.. Especially the one that you said about us being legally married. It just makes me believe in your love even more. I swear I love you..

2011-02-13T15:57:00.002+08:00

Jealousy. It's the worst poison that I produce. It makes you mad, upset, and may even make you sick of it. Now, my jealousy have gone overboard as said by him. sighs. I just can't control it.. And now, he said that I don't trust him.. See, Jealousy have made him to think that way. Sighs. What should I do ? I didn't mean anything bad between us. I just wanted to know. That's all. I know I'm at fault. It's my mistake.. I should have not asked her.. Now, I guess he does not want to talk to me. Whatever he said to me just now really hurts. But after all, I deserved it.. He said he have had it with me and my irritating jealousy.. What does that mean ? I love him too much which explains my level of jealousy.. But to him, I guess it's simply because I dont trust him.. Sighs.. I just wish that you would know how I fear of losing you and ho much I truly love you..

2011-02-11T00:37:00.002+08:00

i dont know what else to say. i just want things to be fine. ever since sunday, my days was lit up with the happiness that you have showered me with. you made me happy. you made me smile. you made me on cloud nine. tonight, every of that is gone.

all thanks to myself. thanks for scolding vulgarities. thanks for being so sensitive. thanks for thinking about Pika. thanks for just blurting that word out. thanks to that pakcik. but most thanks is to myself. how stupid can i get ? how can i just blurt that out ?

perhaps, these few days i have been having a god damn hard time in school. i can also say that i have been shouting and talked rudely to my friends. despite of my good mood with you, i am mad at school. but not because of you. but because of the people and the things surrounding me in school. but whenever i am with you, i will smile and laugh and never failed to be happy.

i miss you already. sighs. i wonder if i can stop saying that word. i just dont know how to stop. by not letting me saying that word, i feel that there is no forgiveness. ;(

tears be kind. i dont wish for you to visit me today. i have had enough of you just now. but why did you come back again ?

sighs. I love you.

2011-02-11T00:29:00.003+08:00

how would you feel ? what should you say ? ever since that day, i have been thinking about this all over again.

shasha: syai, why i never see your guy post anything on your wall ?
me: oh, im not in his friendlist.
shasha: huh? why?
me: his mother would see it.
shasha: oh. so means both your account is not private uh?
me: mine is. but his is not.
shasha: oh. then you can just view his laa?
me: ya.
shasha: then him?
me: he have to log in to my account.
shasha: oh. okay laa tu. then you got log in to his account?
me: nope.
shasha: huh ? why ?
me: i dont know his password, remember ?
shasha: oh yaa hor. you still dont know ? why he never tell you ? its so unfair.
me: *silence*

i've kept this thoughts away. but thanks to her, i am now reminded of it. this is just one that i told you of. this is not the first time. but several times. the more people ask, the more hurt and stress i would be. i just dont know what to say to them. but i will just kept silence and smile. :)

2011-01-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

my phone has been so silent for the pass few days.. this really got to show that he's the only one that i have been contacting the most. i just cant wait for him to come back. only then, my phone will keep on ringing and soon i will get bored of my ringtone and change it again. for now, i have already change the ringtone as i am sick of it. but right now, i seldom hear that ringtone ringing. sigh. my days have ben plainly plain without him. i am missing him like no one else can. i miss him like there's no ending. i miss him more and more each day. haish. this is only for 4 days. what else for 4 weeks ? how m i supposed to live without him for 4 weeks. sighs. i cant imagine how i would be like when he's away for his NS trip. my goodness. i think i cant die in hunger for him. hehe. dear, i really am missing you like hell. i couldnt sleep at night, thinking about you. sighs. its like been a long time that i am being separated with you and i cant contact with you..

when i went to vietnam, even if its for 2 weeks. the miss that i miss you wasnt this much. as durign that time, i still can contact you. but now, i cant! haish ! what else when you go for your fieldtrip ? i think i am really going to die. sighs. i need you. i miss you! i miss you so freaking much, get it ?!

2011-01-27T12:45:00.002+08:00

yes, i have realised. i am the one that is being too much here. i am the one that never think of other people. haish. perhaps, i am very selfish. haish. i always made mistakes. i always do things that will make other people in trouble. i did things without thinking much. no, in fact, i did things without thinking about anyone else.

i should have think before acting like that. now that things are in this way, i am feeling damn stressed out. i dont know what i am supposed to do. haish. i tend to say sorry. but now.. i know that sorry does not mean anything anymore. haish. what else should i do ?

i just wanted to know what is wrong. i regretted of my act. i should know that i should have not done that. i should have think before i do anything. haish.. when will i ever grow up ?

i didnt mean to make you angry. i didnt mean to hurt you. i know its my fault. haish. i deserve all this from you. i deserve the silence. i deserve the treatment. i deserve it.

2011-01-25T01:19:00.002+08:00

due to me, you are now sick. haish. i feel so responisble for your condition dear.. i am so sorry to make you till this state. i didnt mean it.. i am terribly sorry, dear..

i have been hoping for a miracle. but i know miracles does not exists. i have been hoping for the best. but i know it is always me that keep on making things go the other way round.

i have to learn to change. i know.

i could not sleep thinking about this. it bothering me too much. but dont worry. i will still know how to get grip of myself. but for now, i know my priority is to focus on studies.

dear, i know i have made you upset with the way i react when we are having problems. i will tend to ignore my studies. but trust me, deep down inside me, i still remember that you wants me to do well. even if i failed to enter poly, this is not the end of my studies. i know you have been supporting me all the while. i am not going to let you down. i am not going to let my family down. even when we are having problems, i will try my best to not let it disturb my mind.

since i am talking about this..

i recalled of what happened when you said to me that you chose her. during that point of time, i was going to have my exam. during that very day, i was only left with less than an hour to prepare myself for my role-play. i thought i could not make it. i thought i would lost my A. but when i entered the room, your words were in my head. that's what that gave me the strength to do well. even i was hurt by you that time, unknowingly, you are the one that keeps my spirit and confidence up. see how much you meant to me ?

i am sorry if all this while, the way i said things is as though i said that you are not there for me. but dear, do you know that everyday you are the one that makes me to keep on moving forward ? you meant so much to me. there's no replacement for you. i may be having friends around me. but friends to me now is not like what i used to think of last time. friends now are not always there. but you. you are always there when i was down. you are always there when i was happy. you are always there when i was sick. you keep me company when i cant sleep. you calm me down when i panic. you soothe my heart when im mad. and now, you are the one that is helping me to be a woman not a girl.

you played a lot of role in my life. i treasure you alot. but i dont know how to express it in proper way. you are my everything. without you , i would be nothing.

forgive me for my mistakes. hold my hand and bring me back up. hold my hands and walk me through my days as you have been doing. grab me when im falling. wipe off my tears when i cried. i want to be a good girlfriend to you, dear..

i miss the way you held me tight and not letting me go. i miss the way you scolded me when i cried. i miss the way you wiped my tears and kissed my eyes. i miss the way you calm me down. i miss you. i miss everything of you.

2011-01-20T17:12:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just feel like screaming to myself. i feel so stressed up. haish. one after another. i am trying to stay strong.

dear.. i know i have done so much mistakes. i know i have not been a good girl. i know i have never listened to whatever that you have said. im sorry. i didnt mean to be that way. i just hope that you know im like that cause i need you by my side badly. i need you.

you are the only one that i look forward to every morning when i wake up. you are the only one that is always there and will always be there deep inside. i know my words are harsh. i know i didnt say things straight-forward. i promise to not be like that. its my mistake. i didnt learnt from what i have done in the past. i will try my best to not do it again. i know i have said this many times. but just give me time to change.

i just wish that you will be fine soon. its killing me. im so sorry. i love you. and i really miss you.

2011-01-05T12:50:00.002+08:00

I have done alot of mistakes. Mistakes that is repeated. I hate myself for that. How I wish that I could grow up fast. I dont know what to say. I dont know what to do. I am lost. I want to apologise. And I did apologise. But I know, it's hard to accept my apology. I am too lost. I dont know what to think. I dont know what to do. I dont know what will happen next.

I know this hurts. I am very sorry.. Apologise is the only think that I know I should do. But even now, this also hurts you. I am stuck. I dont know what to do. I am trying hard to change. I am trying hard to be like an adult. I know this year I am turning 18. Not 8. I know..

New resolution: I need to grow up. Be a woman. Not a girl.

I am truly sorry. I need time to change.

2011-01-04T18:45:00.000+08:00

I wanted to share with you about my days. I wanted to be pampered by you. I wanted to laugh with you. I wanted to call and talk with you. Everything I want, I will have to wait.

I am hurt by your replies. I don't know why but everything is just hurting me more. I dont mind being the one who will always text you first. I dont mind being the one to just give you a call. I dont mind. But is this the treatment that I should receive from you? Is it?

I am not going to text you if your reply is a one word reply. I am not going to give you a call if I feel that you are just plainly have no mood with me.

Dont need to deny that it's nothing. If there's really nothing, you would not have give me one word replies since yesterday. Late replies. Or even not texting me like you used to.

I just too hurt. I need someone. But this is the treatment that I get. Good.

I am so stressed. I have tons of projects. I have exams coming. I have no focus in everything I do. My mind is disturbed by this rollercoaster ride of my life. I feel like quiting school as soon as I finish my Higher Nitec. In fact, even now I have lost interest in doing anything in life. My life is so dull. So empty. There's lots of people by my side, but I sense no love. Well, it's just my life.

Tears is the only one that have been accompanying me through out my days when I need someone. Tears is the true bestfriend of mine and I am sure Tears will always be there when I am feeling down. And now, Tears is the only one accompanying me. But sadly, Tears will not be able to make my spirit to strive gets higher. That's the only weakness I see in Tears. But still, Tears will never leave you when you failed. Tears will not leave you in any circunstances. Unless, you throw Tears away from your life..

2011-01-02T01:08:00.000+08:00

Just some words for today's post.

I MISS MUHD NAZIRUL AMIN(:

2011-01-01T01:20:00.003+08:00

im sorry for being immature.

im sorry for not changing myself.

im sorry for saying things without thinking.

im sorry for not being able to handle things properly.

im sorry for everything.

after all, everything comes from my childish self. im just a little girl who have not grown up to think like an adult. it's time for me to change. infact, i should have change since the past few years when im with you. perhaps, i just need someone to guide me along my maturity period.

somehow, i think back .. its not that i want to be like this.. its just that i have been too independent that i need some space to be like a kid.. since young, i didnt get to feel like how those other kids get to feel.. i need some love.. some care.. someone to pamper me when im down.. someone to cheer me up like how dads cheer their children when they are down.. i miss all those childhood times.. maybe that is why i have always been like this.. its been 11 years or more that i didnt get to feel the touch and the love from someone who i can take as a father or at least, someone who can embrace me with all his love..

i know.. this is the new start of the year.. and this year, im turning 18.. yes, i know.. but i dont know why this feeling of being like a kid is still there in me.. it's like im yearning for more love and care.. i see the little kids out there with their parents, i get very jealous of them.. everytime i try to keep it away from my mind.. but today i really cant.. and especially now, im too stressed out with everything.. that i feel i really need someone to love me so much till the extend that i am spoilt. to really show concern.. to allow me to be pampered..

im sorry.. its just the period of me being more like a kid than a teenager.. im like a pity soul which always seek for someone to cuddle with.. and to be able to act like a small girl.. even when im at home, i will always go to my youngest sister and hug her like i want to be pampered. i dont know why im like this. but this is what i am really feeling.

tears keep on rolling down my cheeks right now.. i feel so down.. so terrible.. I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME !!! am i having some kind of depression ? I REALLY NEED SOMEONE.

2010-12-30T20:23:00.004+08:00

Even after telling you , nothing really bothers anymore .. Perhaps, I shall stop hoping for what I have been wanting. And I shall just keep quiet .. I know this is going to kill me. But I am going to survive through it no matter what.. Sometime I really feel that this is driving me crazy. But it's okay. I am willing. Dont you worry. I will just be fine.

I just want you to know. When there's silence from me, something is wrong. I dont need anything else. I just need you. Perhaps, you dont see what i really need. Or you does not know what to do. Or anything. When I'm silent, the only thing I need is attention from you. I need you. I need you to cheer me up. Ensure me that you're there. Ensure me that everything is fine.

I shall stop hurting myself. I shall stop hurting you. I shall stop hurting the both of us. I need to learn to be more independent and not be clingy or anything that may make you get irritated by me. I will keep to what I have said to myself. I will try to hold it as long as I can. If it's the best solution, I have no choices left.

If things continue to be this way, perhaps, I need to change myself. Better or worst, I still dont know. Perhaps, I will just be a very quiet girl that hopes for nothing. Im sorry. I love you.

2010-12-29T21:35:00.001+08:00

Oh well. I think things have been going fine. But I dont know why I feel that something is still amiss. I feel so pressurised and stress out. I feel that I can really go crazy anytime soon. Sighs. I get upset easily. I am becoming more sensitive these days. And I am becoming more like a kid when I am with him. I want to be pampered more each day. I feel that I need him more and more every single day. Am I being too clingy ? Why am I like this ?

Well, maybe it's just me. Hm.. I still feel something is really amiss. Hm.. I cant deny that till now, I still cant get over the facebook thing. It's bothering me too much. I have been asking from him for so long.... Yet, he's not giving me.. I get upset over this. I dont know why. I just want us to share and not keep things from each others. I have tried to not make this as an issue. But I cant seem to. I get mad everytime there's a girl add him. I get mad over little things. Am I being too much ? I cant get rid of this feelings till I get what I want.

Another thing that Im upset with. Him. Hm.. I told him of those plans that he made on last Friday. And again, he said the same thing. And again, I'm just hurting myself. Not that I dont let him spend time with his family. It's just that the way he said it is like he have forgotten every single thing in a minute. It's like there's nothing wrong. Sighs. I just have to bear with all this. This is just part of a test for my patience being with him. Never mind. Im staying strong...

2010-12-26T01:06:00.002+08:00

I am missing him freaking lots. I just came back from camp. Well, I did have lots of fun at camp eventhough I fell sick during the camp. But that did not stop me from getting involve in the activities there. Except for the campfire. That was when I took medicine and guess what, I didn't know that the medicine cause drowsiness. Which eventually led me to almost fall at the seaside while they are teaching us to start the campfire. So now all that I know is only that we need kerosene. haha! And also of how to make a campfire along the seaside. And after hearing all that, I eventually fell asleep at the trolley. And was instructed to sleep in the tent.

The days at camp with my camp mates was really fun. However not with him. He was very different until Tuesday. And I didn't even know why. Lots of things happened then he told me what had exactly happen. On the day that I went for camp, there is a guy who contacted my guy telling him about me leaving that guy not because of I love Nana but because that I wanna make use of him. For goodness sake. Who the hell are you to say all this ? But I am kinda upset with Nana. Why must he be like that towards me when I am in camp and when I dont know what is the real thing. He could have asked me if i had told anyone about me going to camp or not. But it's okay. Everything is over. And we are fine back.

Few days back, I got upset with him. He said something that makes me unpatient for that day. I planned everything as you told me to. Then you said like that.. haish. I just wished that you knew how much it hurts me. And I just hope that you will remember all those promises and plans that you will make in the future.. I just want you to understand.. Whatever it is, I still love you.

& Right now. I am missing him truckloads.

2010-12-11T13:42:00.003+08:00

Met Nana yesterday. Happiness filled my day. Thanks dear for everything that you have done for me and us. I did a lot of mistakes. Yet, you have never failed to be there for me or anything. I am sorry for the mistakes that I have done all this while.

Yesterday too, you gave me that Oscar of " World's Greatest Girlfriend " which I was touched by. I made you hurt. I didnt listen to you. I am stubborn. But you still love me like you always do. And you have always been there when I need someone to talk to when I cant sleep at night. No matter how mad you are, you will always be there to comfort me when I am done. Thanks again dear for everything that you have down.. I love you more and more. (:

2010-11-29T21:55:00.002+08:00

Our 3rd Anniversary is just around the corner. I hoped that I am able to get everything done by the time I meet him. Life has been fair with us. What had happened to him, happened to me. We now know how each other feel very well.

We have gone through alot. Thick and thins. And we have managed to overcome everything that comes to our way.

Recalling the sweet and bitter of our memories will eventually make us realise how strong our love really is. We have done alot of mistakes. But we learnt from every bit of it.

One thing that I want you to know.

You've made me realise how much you love me. And how much I love you.

I have always thought the bad side of you. But dear, silently, I know deep inside there's sincerity in your love towards me. I'm sorry for being bad and violent towards you.

Just so you know, you've really stole my heart. I accepted you without love. But when the love grew inside me, it can never fades off. Perhaps, this is what true love is.

Muhd Nazirul Amin, the one & only. <3

2010-11-19T21:03:00.002+08:00

currently. I am freaking bored right now. And it have been a long time since I last updated my blog. It's being abandoned. Sorry Bloggie. Oh well, my diary too have been abandoned.

Alot of things have happened this few days. Not few days, it have been at least a week or so. Haish. I find that people are hating me. Why ? What wrong did I do towards them ? If I did a mistake, why can't they tell me what is it ? I hate when people don't tell me what makes them to hate me to that extend.

Friends means alot to me. I don't want cause of the past, the friendship can never gets better. In life, we have to learn to forgive and forget. The main thing is that we have to learn to forgive. Why can't some people do a simple thing like this? We must learn to forgive in order to start anew. Maybe they don't know how to forgive. But how long ? Sighs.

I don't mind if it's just me. But please. Not him. I don't mind what you want to say about me. But not him. I believe that he treasure this friendship alot .. I am sure this friendship means alot to him.. I am sure he's upset that this is happening. I want things to be fine. Let it be with him first. If you still can't accept me, let it be. Time will heal everything. Even if I have only known you for at least a year or so, it is enough for me to really treasure that memories we had during those days.

Memories that we had can make me breakdown. I am sad that all this is happening. If only I have not made any mistakes, things would not be like this. I guess, now everything is ruined cause of me. Yes, I realise I was at fault..

Everyone make mistakes. So do I. People make mistakes and learn from them. And so do I.

If I were to be mean, I would not have told him everything that I got to know when he is clueless. If I din't have the intention to make things right, I would not have trouble myself thinking about this. If I want o ruin your friendship with him, I would not have told him to contact you. I have done nothing to make this friendship break. Why can't you just see what I am trying to do?

True enough what some people said to me. You just can't appreciate what I have done. Even if it's a little thing, you could have at least show some appreciation. Sighs. It's just my luck.

Some people said FORGET THEM. But know what, I will never stop praying that things will be fine for all of us. I dont want him to be stuck in the middle. ;(

All I want now is just for you to tell me what have I done to deserve this.

Yes I can't deny.
Yana, Rahim, I do miss the both of you. I miss the times that we used to hang out together.

2010-11-13T14:19:00.001+08:00

Life is playing with me. Have been sick for 1 MONTH. And Im still not yet fine. sighs.

anyway, it's 13th today. tomorrow is the 3 years of me and him know each other. haha. that will be the day that reminds me of how i rejected to know him like freaking hard. but end up.... we are together. till now. and our relationship is going strong. we go through thick and thins together.. that no matter what comes in our way, we will still be able to overcome it . nothing can make our love destroy. even if it does, it will only be for a moment.

ohh well. i love you, Nana. <3

2010-10-29T23:09:00.002+08:00

it's been a long time since i have last updated my blog. it's getting dusty in here. haha. well, my days are going on just fine.. not much different..

school have been awesome for lastt semester. i'm hoping it will be awesome for this semester too. hahs. well, as for last semester, mummy was proud of me for my results. but i guess, im kinda disappointed as i didnt managed to achieve my goals as there are some parts of the module that i'm weak at. well, i can never ever score well for my case study. sian. but overall, i was a little proud of myself as i got third in class. well, i have o work harder this semester. however, it looks like i am slacking. no! not slacking! but i tend to not able to pay attention in class. due to my personal problem. not relationship. but money.

money have become a big deal for me ever since i school and work at the same time.. haish. i have lots of things to do with the little amount of money that i earn each month. i feel like quiting. however, i can't. i need to support myself. i need to help my mom. thus, i didnt stop working. look, things have been hard on me.. i bet those who face this kind of situation will understand me well. okay, let's put this aside.

love. things have been going on better for us. :) eventhough there's still times that we got uset with each other. but i know, we will never let it be for long. i dont want to talk more about it. i shall keep all of the sweet memories to myself.. :)

on the last note.

Nana, I love You!

2010-08-23T17:16:00.002+08:00

SEMEMANGNYA ENAK BUAT SEBEGITU. MEMUJI SESEORANG YANG TIDAK DISUKAI. HAHA. LAMA-LAMA, AKU TAK TAU APA NAK JADI TERHADAP HUBUNGAN INI. HAHS. BEST!

2010-08-22T15:44:00.000+08:00

I WANNA LET OUT THIS FEELING. I MISS YOU!

2010-08-15T20:36:00.003+08:00

I AM STUCK ! NANA OR ALIFF ?? HAISH.. I WANT THEM BOTH.. BUT I CANT .. HAISH ..

2010-08-09T00:27:00.002+08:00

What Aliff said is not going to be a reality. Cause I know myself better.

lonely. sudden feeling of breaking down.

2010-08-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

I cant deny the fact that I MISS YOU.

2010-08-08T01:32:00.004+08:00

Time check. 1.30AM.

Went to sentosa with Aliff yesterday. Enjoyed it to the max. I was really in need to relax my mind. And yeah, I did managed to do that. He made me laughed and smiled all the way. Thanks. Thanks also for bearing with my emotions just now. (:

Nothing much to update. I feel sick. Aliff made me to eat just now. And I just realise that I have not been eating since Monday. No wonder la my stomach can't take in any food just now.. And the bumpy ride home added to the feeling of going to puke! Urgh. ):

This small note is for you.

You have made your decision. You chose her. And you still can say to me that she can make you smile and laugh by just doing a SMALL thing. So, what does it shows? You know how much I'm hurt. But you still dare to contact me, hoping that things will be fine. Let me get this clear. I am hurt till the extend that I am immune. I hate you till the extend that I can't hate you any further. You want me back? You can wait. Now I know, I will never be able to forget what you have said when we are together and when I made you to choose between the two of us. And thus, I will never be able to forgive you for that. All the while about me, was just a misunderstanding. Even though it's that bad, I have never leave you. But look at you. Hah!

2010-08-04T10:53:00.002+08:00

I could feel the wind of happiness. Everything sound so fine.. It's been a long time since I talked to you on the phone for so long.. You made me go crazy. I love you for that. You made me smile from ear to ear.. I like it to the max. I went to sleep with a smile finally on my face. I woke up from bed to see your message in my phone. It create a smile on my face. I got out of bed to hear your calm voice.. I simply love you, Nana.. You made me smile till I go crazy. Let's do things that will make things better and not worst. (:

2010-08-03T21:12:00.002+08:00

Finally.. You're beginning to talk things out.. Let's start talking and settle things. I know I've hurt you alot.. I'm sorry, Dear..

On the phone with him makes me smile all the way. Things sound so fine.. Dear, I love You. (:

2010-08-03T12:18:00.000+08:00

People have nothing to do. Maybe they are too desperate in life. Try hard to break my love for him. Go on trying. I know i can overcome it with God's will. Nana, we stay strong okay? Just a little bit more.. And everything will be fine. I know what's our problem. I will try my best to settle it. Let's start a new..

I'm sad to see that some people just doesn't appreciate the name given by their parents. How sad can that be.. I just hope that whoever you are.. If you have anything against me.. Then just feel free to approach me directly.. Not by that way.. Come to me and say everything that you want.. I'm sure that you have my number.. Text me or call me.. Your call or text is welcome.. I find that you're just like a coward.. Too scared to face me is it? Come on.. What's there to be afraid? It's not like I'm going to eat you.. I'm not violent.. So you don't need to worry. Come on.. Show yourself.. I'll be glad..

2010-07-24T20:49:00.002+08:00

I don't know what i should do. It hurts. I feel as though you did all that just to revenge on me. I am trying my best to be fair to you. To be honest to you. To tell you every single bit of things that I am doing. Yet, this is what I found out. You said that I broke your trust. And that I should win your trust back. I am trying hard to win it. Yet, this is what I get. Dear. I know that I break your trust. But why must you keep all this from me? You know that I don't trust you. Yet, you are not doing anything but to make it worst. I tried to trust you. And somehow, I did trust you. Even if it's not as strong as it used to. And when I start to trust you, I found out about all this.. Haish. Dear, even after this, I can't deny that I am mad at you. But that doesn't mean that I hate you. Nothing will change my feelings for you Dear. You will always be my Hubby, though. Just don't break my heart again. I know I broke yours alot. But I am trying hard to amend my mistakes Dear. Wish you knew how I really felt. If there's anything that you think that I am doing is unfair to you, then just tell me Dear.

People says I'm crazy to cry over you for what you have done. People says I'm crazy to still love you. People says I'm crazy for you. But I don't care all of that. Cause you completes me.

I just wish this will be the last time..

No matter how much I'm hurt. My love for you never fades.

2010-07-10T01:38:00.002+08:00

I miss my Nana. Nana, I'm sorry for everything. I realize, I am to be blame to. I guess, all this while, I went to the wrong person to ask for opinions. Thank god, that I have a friend whom I can consider him like my father. He opened my eyes. Though I know it was my mistake too, I still cant decide on my decision. It's hard for me to let you go. And it's hard for me also to break my promise. But to think back, I am breaking my promise to your mom already ever since I answered your call.

050710

This date makes me cry. Wasn't this the date where we are suppose to have our last Fling? Haish. I remember the way you assure me. Everything seems so real. I thought after that, it'll be the end. But guess, I am wrong. You made us still there. I am sorry that on that day I didn't get to keep to my words. I said I won't cry. But I did. Sorry Nana.

Since then, we still keep on contacting. I realise that i can never leave you. It's really hard for me to leave you.

090710

This date made me smile all the way. You made my day by sending me to school. And you made me happy and have a good beginning by having you by my side to help me do my revision. And thanks to you, I did well for my test. I thought I will flung it as I was late for lesson and the past few days, I could not concentrate on my studies. But thanks for being my saver. I love you, Hubby. I am sorry that I venge my anger to you on the phone.. I really am sorry. I promise to control my anger, okay ? I didn't know that I have lost the ability to control my anger. I think I am too stress out, which is why, I am unable to control my emotions. Thanks for sending me to work. You really made my day. And also for fetching me from work. Thanks Syg. I LOVE YOU.

" i will never let Syainaz end.. "

2010-06-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

FUCKED UP LIFE.

You wont be able to understand what i mean. what i want or anything. i dont know how else to tell you what is deep inside. haish. never mind la. forget it.

i just miss everything. i miss you. i want your love and care. i want your attention.

but this will not lead to any of this. it will just lead to more arguments. and forever arguments.

i am not lying about i need you. cause i know i really need you.

2010-06-25T16:14:00.004+08:00

i feel like going out and get some fresh air. i wanna spent my day with someone i truly need now. but how to ? haish. i wanna do something new. something adventurous. something fun. something that can make me forget about everything that i am thinking right now. i wanna have a peaceful mind before school start. cause i need to focus. and really focus. when school re-open, the modules become harder. and there is this module that my class advisor said will be difficult. haish. Syg, i need a peaceful mind. right now, i am distracted. really distracted. my project is left half way done. and its 50% of my module. FUCK! and i still have yet to do my case study! which i think is 60% of my that module! FUCK! i can see my A's for these modules gone already. i wanna cry.

my mind is really distracted.

i'm sorry Mom, if i were to flung again.

now, i am trying to get back on track. but i cant. haish. july is arriving. then august. then september. and its my Exam. damn it. i used to study everyday. but why not now? i guess, my mind is really distracted. too stress out that i feel like picking up what i have thrown away few years back. i'm trying to control myself to get away from that thing. it will just harm me. trying. trying really hard. but i still cant clear my mind. i need my old self back. the one who is really into studies when she first started her new life in ITE.

if you have a way,please tell me how to overcome it. i am so disturbed.

2010-06-25T01:35:00.002+08:00

i need you..

i miss you..

i love you..

BIE!

I miss your presence everyday. I miss your hugs. I miss your warmth of love. I simply miss US.

2010-06-24T14:18:00.002+08:00

Had fun with my classmates. hee. but now, i am feeling really lazy to update about it. hee.

hm.. now things have not been right again. idk what is wrong. no no, i know. but i just dont understand. Nana, i still need you. but i just dont know why all this happened. ya, i wanna enjoy. right now. i am stuck of what to do. i think all i need now is just your support. i love you. and i really do. i still need you. you know the reasons. you know me well. maybe now you said that i dont regard you as someone important. but i do. you know, i feel that now.. i am afraid. afraid of really losing you. haish.

what the hell am i talking about? haish. i dont know what is in my mind.

haish! i need a warm hug.

i want you. but i dont think i am able to give any commitments now. now, all i think about is to make friends and study. i want to have lots of friends that can also always be there for me. but is that possible? i miss my secondary school life.. where all my friends are there by my side and you too. but now in this life, will i be able to have that ? haish.

i'm sorry Nana.

2010-06-22T17:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday went out with my friends, MISS and Aliff. Heh. We had fun.. And a heart to heart talk. Aww. Ikaa wanted to cry.. But, it's worthwhile babe. I hope that after this everything will be fine now and future. (: I love you, girls. And ohh, Aliff, Shiks called him a retard. Haha. Serve you right that you are by yourself. Hehe.. Ohh Shiks, i want to see our pictures! Hee. I heard Ikaa said the pic when we hug each other was nice. Thanks dude. But you spoilt the moment of our heart to heart talk.

Damn it. Now my ppt low. Sadded. And i think someone is mad for me keeping quiet whole day. My ppt low la, Nana. Patience kay? I'll top up soon..

Just now when to Yew Tee again to shop for BBQ stuff. Had a nice bonding time with my cousin, Aishah. Hee. Spent alot sia.. I just hope that i don't exceed the budget. Hopefully! Now very tired alr.. Don't feel like going back to BB. But i miss my mom. And tmr still need to help my granny cook in the kitchen. Heh. Can't wait for tomorrow. (:

2010-06-20T14:24:00.000+08:00

You finally gave me the answer. But still, things is not that right. Why? I also don't know.. Haish. I guess, what my cousin said about me is true. But i'm scared. And i don't know why.. Haish. I'm feeling stressful. I think, i wanna put aside all this. And just concentrate on anything that i wanna do. Enjoy & study well. (:

2010-06-19T00:06:00.002+08:00

i was hoping for you to be there. i feel that i am so isolated at there. thus, i need you. but i guess, i am hoping for the impossible kan. whatever i say pun, you will just think that it's what i really mean kan. hm. u know i was not in a good mood. but why cant you talk to me and make me smile as you used to ? u are right, if i dont want you to come, i should have just told you. but the fact is, i want to meet you badly. but already in the morning things are not right. it keep on bothering me. and i'm sorry that u can't surprise me. i appreciate it. dah la u, i also dont know how we nak move on. i just know. i dont wanna lose you totally.

i just feel like banging my head on the wall. freaking stress out. fuck la sial!

2010-06-16T20:25:00.001+08:00

i have just came back from camp. it was such a fun camp. (:

that's all for now. i'm very tired. will update more about it some other time.

2010-06-12T20:52:00.000+08:00

Met Nana today. But didn't get to spend the whole day together. Sadded. Waited for him.. And at last, i just went home.. Never mind. I understand his reason well. I know.. I can't expect alot from him.. He needs to spend time with his family too. So yeah. No high hopes. Or i'll be the one who is upset. Whatever it is, i enjoyed the time i spent with him very much. Thanks Nana.. I love you. And i'm missing you right now.. ):

2010-06-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

i don't know why. but today i feel super stressed out. i shouted at my friend. and i talked in a bad manner to my Nana. i'm sorry to the both of them. i really don't know what is wrong with me. i miss my Nana. i need my Nana. i wanna hug him. and let go off all my stress. he's the only one that can help me to release the stress. Syg, i can't wait to meet you. i really need to meet you. i miss you. i want hugs.

i'm sorry to those i have shouted to today. but i really don't know what is wrong with me today.

2010-06-10T14:32:00.001+08:00

I MISS NANA! (:

2010-06-02T18:40:00.002+08:00

both of us got easily agitated. and end up in a bad conversation. see, things were okay. and then there will be a day that things will just be bad. i don't know what is wrong. but i think it's us. we are the problem. you said you don't know why you are easily agitated. look back and think. why is it on that day, things were fine and suddenly went downwards. if you were to asked me why i became easily agitated, it's because that i can't stop myself from thinking what are we right now. and to think of it, it made me upset. we talk like ONE. we do like ONE. we act like ONE. but are we ONE? that's the thing that makes me feel empty inside. i told you when i am at school, my friends are there to make me laugh and smile. but when i am alone, the smile is gone. and my emotions took over me. i know you maybe like this too. i don't blame you for my emptiness. i don't put any blame on you. i'm confused. and i need an answer. but somehow, i feel that i won't get any answer. my life seems so dull even your presence is there as i am still confuse of who you are to me. we may look like One. but we may not be One. i know that you're there. but are you really there in my life? or are you just there but not meant to be mine again? i know some people may be laughing at me seeing my situation right now as i am the one who is stupid in the past. but this is what i really feel. my life is dull without you as mine and only mine.

2010-06-01T21:27:00.002+08:00

look at the date today.

i don't know how i should feel when you said that Nana. part of me is happy, part of me is sad, part of me is confused. don't ask me to explain it. you should already know it. today, i feel so lonely. i need you most today. i'm feeling really restless. and now, i don't know why, tears brimming in my eyes. Nana, just so you know.. i miss you dearly. i really do. now, i can't wait to have that whole day spend with you. i hope that nothing stops me from getting what i want now. i just want to be with you.

2010-05-29T02:06:00.002+08:00

i tried my best to get everything right. but slowly again, i feel that it's much further when it's already near to me. tears rolling down my cheeks everytime i'm reminded of it. will it ever be the same? now.. i feel that nothing can be the same. even if i try and try till i cant do anything. all i want to do is cry and cry till there's no more tears in my eyes. i miss the past. i miss us. i miss everything. but everything just doesn't seem that it's going to come back into my life.

i know you're mad with me. i know you may think that i'm still fooling around and not serious about it. but you never know how much and how badly it means to me in every way. i keep all my days with a smile on with all the memories in my mind to keep me be happy. it makes me alive. without it, i dont think i will be able to get all that i have achieve right now. you're my strength. you're the only one which brings me light in my life. i know, i have hurt you alot. and that i have done doesnt shows you how much you meant for me. i know all that. but how else do i show you that everything is not a farce?

whenever things are getting better, there will always be something that will make either of us unsatisfied and end up like this. for today example, i dont know why you have no mood, i tried to talk. the more i tried, the more i wanna cry. i want you to talk. yet, you just kept silence. and when i asked you if you're tired, again you said that i have got a replacement to talk to. you arent trusting me dont you. that trust will never be there again no matter what i do. why ? cause you yourself dont know how you can trust me again. fine. dont trust me. Dont ever trust someone like me who have hurt you in every way. cause no matter how much i do, you wont trust me. trust what your heart says. if your heart says that i am not serious and i am just fooling around, then just trust yourself. but me, myself. i know what i really need and want. i know.. i need you. but it doesnt look like i will get you back. even if i cry till there's no tears left, i will not get you back. dont waste your time telling me your answer. i know that you will never be mine again.

over the phone, i tried to talk. i tried to cheer you up. but nothing works. i tried my best till i cant do anything more. i tried to talk as per normal eventhough i'm actually crying. i tried to listen to you even though it's hard for me. but i'm trying. i am trying. i want you to rest, but you got me wrong. you, listen. since the day i said i truly know that it's what i want and really sure of what my heart says, i have never have any other one there for me besides you. i cut off all my connections with the ones that you dislike. i try to change. but it cant be seen to you. why ? cause you already dont believe in me. just tell me straight to my face that you dont want me anymore. i will stop disturbing you. just tell me straight to my face. dont care of my feelings. just hurt me. just do anything to satisfy yourself.

just one thing.. i know i love you. i know i need you. i know that i want you and no one else. i know i sound like a desperate. but this is what i really want. this is what my heart keeps on saying. this is what my mind says. this is just simply what i have been finding for. with you in my life, everything lit up. even when you're gone that moment, the smile is still there, not because of anyone else. but because of you. i always think of the good times we have had. all of that made me to keep on going. ask all my friends, what i said to them about us. to some even, i cried when i recall back all those memories. but yet, there's a smile on my face. why ? cause all of that are such a beautiful moment for us. i share with them all the things that i went through with you. and in my mind, and heart,i know that it's what makes me to be assure that i am doing and making my right decision. the decision that i really want. but it doesnt not only depends on me. it depends on you. the final decision is in your hands. its yourself. not me.

but it doesnt mean that i am giving up. just remember that. i love you. and i still do. i need you.

2010-05-27T19:39:00.002+08:00

i'm upset. i'm down. i'm feeling like crying, again. haish. i'm feeling so fatigue. my hand are shivering. i don't know why. i'm worn out.

now i'm being random. i'm going to write about what i ate today. (:

breakfast: 4 slice of bread
lunch: 1 chicken ham with cheese pancake
dinner: 3 samosa

i want to eat. but no appetite. haish. i thought of eating outside. but i guess i can just forget about it.

2010-05-22T08:06:00.004+08:00

yesterday was a real bad day for me. i thought, you will make my day. but i guess, my hopes are too high that i ended my day in tears. why are my day always like that..why are things this way? at school, i feel that i'm being put aside by one of my classmates. did she do it on purpose? fuck la sia. if you're so inferior that i'm doing well or something, just say to me la sia! dont need to put me aside like this. i feel that you're such a spoilt brat. fuck off la sia!

Nana, i tried my best. but it seems that nothing helps. what else should i do? Dont accept me when you dont trust me. Might as well just leave me right? i want the best out of everything. i want to start anew. but it looks like nothing can be the same. i guess, i am just the one who wants this. NOT YOU. should i take a step back again? how i wish i never know him. how i wish everything wasnt like this. but what can i do to turn back the time.

i am not myself this few days. i've lost my mood. i look very tired as though i didnt sleep the whole night. i lost interest in my passion. i lost interest in studying. i dont feel like studying anymore. i feel like putting down everything that i have. and take up everything that i have left in the past back to my life and just destroy myself. who cares? even my mom doesnt understand me. she never know how hard i have been studying. all she thinks is that i'm fooling around. how sad can my life be? i have no encouragement from family nor any one. people are all being so unfair to me that i am feeling that i'm solely by myself. i'm so fucked up in life. yesterday, i was suppose to reach home at 1130pm. yet, i dont feel like going home. and i stayed by myself, thinking deeply which ended me in full of tears. and i reached home at 12am instead. if not for my mom, i wouldnt have gone home. i dont want to spend my time at home. i want to only go back, refresh myself, and sleep. my appetite have also gone. my mood is gone. my smile and laughter is gone. everything that's in me is gone. i think, it will never be back. i feel like running. run till i get exhausted and strain myself. i guess, this was the reason of why i keep on ensuring that my day is always busy and never let me have a chance to rest even for a while. and i think, that is why i have looked exhausted everyday.

2010-05-20T20:34:00.002+08:00

Is worried about Nana. Haish. Nana, get well soon aye. (:

Hm.. I dont know what to write. but somehow.. I feel that sometimes people are just getting on my nerves. My patience is not there already. Sorry girls. I guess, only my Miss understands me. Right Miss? (:

let's talk about what i have eaten since yesterday. which i dont think i eat alot as i always do.

yesterday-
breakfast: 2 slice of bread and 2 pieces of nugget.
lunch: fried rice and strawberry fruit juice.
dinner: half portion of fried bihun and 1 ayam percik.

today-
breakfast: 2 slice of bread and 2 pieces of sausage spring roll.
lunch: fried noodle and 4 pieces of nugget.
dinner: half portion of Ramly Burger and half portion of Vadai.

Are these alot? hm.. i'm just not feeling myself.

Nana, i need to let out everything.. ):

2010-05-19T21:00:00.002+08:00

I miss Nana. ):

its been three days i have not contact him.. he's off for field camp. and which is why i didnt get to contact him. SOB. i have nothing much to talk about my days. monday was just a normal kind of day. late for SW for a few minutes. haha. less than 5 minutes, i think. then i got a sentence for monday's day was SHE'S A GIANT. tuesday was okay. and i'm early for lesson (: woke up, looked at the phone, and i think of Nana. and i'll think of what he reminded me. EAT, SLEEP AND STUDY. and today, i went to library alone to study. i dont know why today i just dont feel like i'm myself. its like i got irritated in POA lesson and people keep on coming to me and said i'm clever. thanks for your compliments. but i'm sorry for ignoring and giving all of you an irritated face instead of saying thanks or something. end school early. thought of going for a run, but at last, i didnt as its already late after waiting for tiffany and yillis.. then, we all decided to not run. thus, i went to study at library instead of home. while walking, i really feel myself being so different.. haish. i really dont know what's happening to me today.

I just know, I miss Nana..

2010-05-15T11:45:00.003+08:00

things are going right.. but just one thing makes me to be down. it seems like none of your friends agreed to what you're doing. why is it that way? should i really disappear in your life? should there not be another chance? i'm sorry that i acted that way yesterday. it's just that the way your friend asked you about me really have a great impact on me. it was like something just fell and hit me hard on my mind. my mind was a total block. i know that they have seen u suffering in pain when i have hurt you. but i'm really sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you. seriously, everyone doesnt seem to like me being back with you again. what else should i do? i hate to have this bloody freaking feeling. but i cant help it. i feel like crying my whole heart out. i want to know, what else should i do?

when things were about to be okay, there must be someone to bring it back down. and i'll be there, thinking deeply and is always upset with myself.

Nana, help me.. What else should I do? Am I doing the right thing? Am I hurting you more? Give me an answer.. I need an answer..

2010-05-12T10:44:00.002+08:00

I miss you, Nana. I'm trying my best to make things right. I know I truly love you. I know what and who I want. I want you. Not because of anything else. But because you're the one that I truly love. I'm sorry for my stupid mistake. I should have think before I say anything. I didn't mean all the words that I've said to you. It was just merely words. I still love you as much during that time. I really do. Now, I could sense that we are getting better.. But still, I know deep down in your heart, you're still hurt. I'll try my best to get everything right Nana. I'll put in effort to do it. I don't want you to think I'm half-hearted with you. If I am half-hearted with you, I wouldn't have shed all my tears that whole night. I wouldn't even text you nor talked to you for so long. I would have get irritated by you, but I'm not. Trust me. My love for you is true. Among all those who I'd love, you are the one who really makes me love you so much. Now, the thought of losing you and the thought that I've made you hurt, brings tears in my eyes. You don't deserve the pain. You've been good to me. You don't deserve that. I'm truly sorry. You're there when I'm down to bring me up to my feet again. But I've hurt you deeply. I'm sorry. Even after all the pain that I've caused you, you're still there to bring me up when I fall. Thanks Nana.. All I want now is for us to get together again. And be fine. And continue our broken relationship and start anew. I miss you, Nana..

2010-05-09T23:52:00.002+08:00

i met him on Saturday. went to fetch him.. i was afraid to meet him. yet, all those words that he said to me made me felt better. and slowly i'm starting to be okay with him. but.. i'm still left here.. clueless. even he said that, i feel that it's just me by myself. i still doesn't have him with me.. i'm upset to think of it. maybe i shouldn't even be like this. maybe.. it will take some time.. but i just hope that he knows how much this is affecting my mind right now.. it's really killing me already. and i'm slowly losing my focus in my studies AGAIN. i thought i was fine and able to be okay. but i guess it's only for a moment of time.

you, if you think that you cant. just tell me. i want to know how we really are. stop making me confused. i know i sound selfish in here. but i really can't take it being clueless like this.. what else should i do? you told me to prove it to you. i've tried my best. i've told you about why i can't do it. haish. it's okay if you don't want it. i will just be fine. right now.. all i can say is that.. all your questions are giving me more question marks in my mind..

i need you. i want you back. but you're there.. giving me hopes which i dont know if it's real. i need your answer. but i still didnt get any. what should i do? bang my head on the wall? hurt myself? make you happy? what? i know i've hurt you alot by what i've done to leave you. i know i've hurt you by saying that i've fallen for another guy. but everything was just merely words. nothing else. now i'm no longer in contact with him. yet, i feel that you still think i'm hoping for him. what else should i do to make everything right? i'm stressed!

2010-05-05T11:11:00.001+08:00

I miss You, Nana!

2010-05-04T16:20:00.002+08:00

i have found my other half again. but its still incomplete. i am happy. but on the other hand, i'm feeling down. i'm happy as everything seems to become much better between us.. and i'm down as i somehow feel that there will be something that will make me feel ackward when i'm with him. i've hurt him too much. yet, he's still there. i'm afraid that i would hurt him again. right now, i just hope that i do no more mistakes to hurt him.. i'm trying my best, Nana. i try to keep to what i say. and i'll try to never hurt you again. you need not to worry about communications. cause truthfully, i'm growing to understand and live with it. i'm sorry for being stupid that time. i'll try my best to earn everything back. just so you know, my love for you have never change. all that i have done was just in a fit of anger. i'm sorry. i love you. and will always do. i promise you. (: now let's move on with our life and hope that nothing like that happened again. i've done what i feel i have to, and i hope that it really helps.

2010-05-02T01:36:00.002+08:00

i miss the laughter we had together.. all the memories are coming back.. bringing tears into my eyes.. hoping that everything will be fine again when i wake up in the morning.. tears keep on rolling when i'm looking at our pictures.. thinking all of those that we have been through.. all gone.. just because of me being like a bitch. now, i just can't stop crying and missing you. what kind of a person am i? haish. i'm really missing you, Nana.. i really do.. i realised.. it's my mistake to leave you.. i was stupid.. all i want now is to be with you again.. i miss US. i miss Syainaz. i miss everything.. i dont know if you would believe me.. but i really do miss you. more than i used to.. i'm really missing you.. i wanna run to your arms.. and let go off all my tears with you by my side.. unlike now.. letting go all my tears in front of this screen with our pictures..i really miss you.. i wanna be with you again.. but will you ever going to be the same towards me? haish.. i still love you. i really do love you. i'm sorry for breaking up your heart into billions of pieces..

2010-04-30T23:47:00.002+08:00

thanks to someone for your message in the middle of the night. read your message and just burst into tears. sorry. but i just find that i'm hurt. yeah, i know, my hurt can never be compared to yours and him. i have hurt the both of you. especially Nana.. hm.. thanks for saying all those i really appreciates it.. i hope that our friendship goes on well without anything that happened in the past to worsened it.

lots of things to write. but right now, i'm tired.. Night.

p.s : I wanna be with you. but I'm afraid that I would hurt you again. and I'm afraid nothing will be the same..

2010-04-30T00:38:00.002+08:00

i'm back to square one. i am confused with my own feelings. now that you have know who is really in my heart, you just leave without any word. i waited. and waited. and at last, i took in my friends suggestion. i like you. but i dont love you. i'm sorry to have hurt you. i really didnt mean to..

haish. again. i've hurt someone's heart. haish. and right now, i'm hurt myself. tears rolling down my cheeks. haish. i'm such a weak girl. i'm the one who hurt the person. yet, i'm the one crying. how hypocrite can i be? haha. very good Syai. you're doing great.

hm.. there's alot in my mind. but i just dont feel like letting out yet. there's just too much to let out.. really too much.. T_T

i'm sorry. i really didnt mean to hurt you. i thought you knew. but i guess i'm wrong. i appreciate all that you have done for me.. thanks a lot.. and sorry to have trouble you too much.. sorry for giving you hope. sorry for everything..

2010-04-22T19:51:00.004+08:00

i've always hurt people.. haish. i just don't know what i'm supposed to do.. i keep on hurting people without knowing.. and once i've hurt them, they will be gone the next moment.. i'm sorry.. i'm truly sorry. i guess, it's better that i'm not being loved by anyone. cause those who love me, will always tend to get hurt by me.. haish. why must my life be like this? i hate hurting people. i know how does it feel to be hurt by the one you loved. but still many of them got hurt by me.. haish. my life is so terrible. i keep on hurting them and losing them.. where is my happy life that i used to have.. all the laughters that i have will always bring tears in my eyes.. what have happened to me?

i told you how i felt. and you are there giving me your sarcastic answers. i know i've hurt you. im truly am sorry. haish. i guess i really deserve it. i really does. after all that i have done to you.. this treatment is the best treatment that i should receive from you.. im sorry to have contact you again. i just need you to listen to what i need to say. but i think its all nothing to you already. and it does not bother you again. the past keep on coming back to my mind.. they are bringing tears into my eyes.. but i know it mean nothing to you already. haish. im sorry. now i cant bring myself to accept him.. i really cant.. cause i know there's still you. i know this is bullshit for you. as that time i said i dont need you an.more. but seriously.. you wont understand what's deep in my heart. i just wish that i could take out my heart and show you all its contents.. i really feel like giving up in life. in relationship. in everything i do. now if you see me, i am no longer the Idah that you know. i have totally changed. i am starting to become worst.. really worst.. i am drifted to the wrong path again..

i feel like i have lost everything in life.. and i dont want to move on. i feel like slashing myself. hurt myself. and lying in a bed full of my blood. and off i go.. every morning i wake up, i wish that the day pass by quick. cause i hate waking up. and seeing my phone with no more you.. now, i always look at our photos just to feel the love we had last time.. the love that i thought would always be there.. but its sad that its me who simply end everything.. now, im updating this in full of tears rolling down my cheeks.. but i know all this tears may just be crocodile tears in your eyes. i'm going to start writing my diary and let go off everything.. all my cries.. and everything..

i'm trying to move on.. but i can't.. i miss you. and i still love you..

2010-04-15T19:42:00.002+08:00

reading and seeing other people out there really made me feel super lonely when the fact that i have lots of people around me.. im sad to remember that you sad we can either be back together or strangers. hm.. and now, im back to school, my friends are asking me if i am attached. and amazingly, i didnt say that im single. idk why. i said that you're my bf. hahs. im lying to myself? how sad can that be.. haish. but yeah, now the know already. i just told them that actually im no longer with you. i cant be lying to myself anymore. even if i know in my heart there's you. and only you dear. i just cant take it when they keep on asking about what happened to us when i said now that our relationship is complicated. so yeah. i just decided to tell them that im no longer with you. hm. how sad can i sound ? hm.. im moving on. but i dont know why when people asked me about me having a boyfriend or not, i will just say ya i have one. and i said that's you dear. hm.. maybe i am moving on.. but deep inside, i just hope for you to be in my life again. dear, remember what nenek said? and ya, i too want it that way. just have faith. and let's wait for each other. right now, we just move on with our life. and not to worry about my love. cause no matter what. no matter if it changes or not. i'll still end up being with you. and you should know that.. i really hope so.. i still love you, Nana.. i miss you freaking lots.

the last text you sent to me in the morning, makes me cry. i really miss those words from you, honey. T_T
okay, im done till here. suddenly tears rolling down my cheeks.

2010-04-11T14:56:00.002+08:00

its good to hear that you are happy for me dear.. so yeah.. right now, we will just move on.. if there's still hope.. then there is.. but if there's no hope.. then i guess we better off as friends. i too am thankful for all the memories.. and it will be cherished in my memories.. i just hope that now nothing will stain our friendship.. let's keep all the bad memories behind and start anew as friends. now i just hope that you will be happy too.. thanks again for everything.. the kind treatment that you have given me.. and just everything.. i appreciate it lots.. thanks dear..

2010-04-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

i was afraid of making the wrong decision.. but right now.. i think i've made the right one. i know i miss you. i know i love you. and you know that i'm always by your side even if we are no more together. i wanna say thanks to you coz i'm happy with the way i am now. i dont know how this may sound to you.. but Nana.. i am very thankful to you. thanks for everything. i want you to know that i am happy now. and seriously, i am happy with you too.. and i hope its the same for you. i hope that the way i talked to you just now will help to show to you how my life is now. and i hope that you're happy about it although it hurts to think of what had happened. Nana, i still love you, aite? you take care. and always be happy. just think that i'm always there Honey. (:

love,
idah

2010-04-06T00:36:00.004+08:00

its over.. and im really down.. now.. i need to relax my mind. move on. and concentrate on my school.

dear, i still love you. but i dont know about you.. im just hoping that everything will be fine between us as friends.. a real close friends.. and get back together when im ready for another try. i love you. thanks for all the wonderful memories we have had together. you take care dear..

love,
Idah

2010-04-01T02:13:00.002+08:00

the thought of putting it at end makes me burst into tears.. i didnt want to experience this day when i am leaving you.. i need you.. i love you.. i miss you.. yet, im just too hurt already.. i've been silence all this while as i dont want to hurt you.. i think of your happiness.. yet this is what i get in return.. you may think why is it that i bring up all this so sudden.. if you were really to ask me.. my answer will be.. i cant take it anymore.. i have been suffering alone for such a long time.. my heart cries everytime it happened.. i tried to stop you.. i told you how much i wanted all of it to stop.. and you said okay. its the last. and your sorry. but.. what have you been giving me all this while again? isnt it the same thing that you have been doing that i really hate.. we have gone through alot together, dear.. alot.. and all those sacrifices and effort that we made to overcome every hurdles are those things that makes me to find it hard to leave you.. i really dont want to leave you dear.. i love you too much.. just too much.. i have never loved anyone like this.. just you.. and you have made me to hate you.. thinking back of all your words to me.. they are just simply nothing. now that i have tell you about how i feel.. about what's my decision.. your replies somehow hurts me.. i know you're hurt.. but seriously.. nothing can be compared to how hurt i am.. imagine.. i have been telling you to change.. just one thing.. yet its so hard for you.. if you really love me.. from the first time i tell you to change.. you will really try to change.. but even after alot of times.. you're still the same.. i hate you for that.. what have happened to you? i dont wish to carry on our relationship if everything remains the same.. i want you to let me go.. i want to end our relationship.. not because i dont love you.. but its because i've love you too much.. i'll wait till you change.. i'll wait for the day that you will prove to me that you are worth to be given a chance AGAIN. i'll leave you to make you realise everything. even after once, twice and thrice, you still cant realise what you have been doing.. this is the best that i could think of right now. remember.. my love for you is too deep that its hard to be removed nor replace. i too want to put this at end as i want to concentrate.. i want to study hard. i've made my mom disappoint in me.. i've made her cried.. i've hurt her.. i want to do the best that i can to amend all my mistakes to her.. i want to make her proud of me despite all the mistakes.. i've done so much wrong to her.. and now im worried that when i start schooling and our relationship is still like this.. im afraid i wont be able to study.. i love you. and will always love you. no one is able to replace you. if we really do separate, just bear in mind.. you're still my nana.. i just need you to change.. use this time to change dear.. i love you. i cant bear to see you hurt. but im helpless. im sorry. i miss you.. and i need you..

2010-03-11T00:17:00.002+08:00

im so lonely without you.. but so far, i am able to keep to my promise dear. i tried my best not to cry. but only these few days, after you called, i just feel like breaking down.. i feel that suddenly there's a huge lump of the feeling of missing you.. a huge lump of loneliness in my heart.. when you first went there, its enough to make me cry non stop. but as i promised you, i try to control my tears.. i know my nightmare is going to come true the moment the time strikes 9am. i knew... and it did happened. but it okay larh, coz i already know that its going to happen.. the feeling of disappointed is still acceptable.. i have expect it to happen.. and after that, went to eat with yana.. thanks yana.. and then headed to work.. was early for work.. but its okay.. so i walked to work slowly.. and im still early.. then when i reached work, i fell asleep. and when i wake up, i just feel so freaking lonely.. and i just feel like crying and when im trying to hold my tears, i feel like anytime i can become crazy. the feeling of loneliness and emptiness could not be describe.. i have never felt that way.. haish. and now, i really need him.. now have a little problem at work, i already feel like breaking down and i really need to talk.. and im wondering how can i cope with everything without him? i need him.. but i dont want to bother him so much.. whatever it is.. i know he's always there.. (: thanks dear.. i miss you, Nana!

2010-03-02T00:07:00.002+08:00

i have been meeting him alot of days since my chingay. I LIKE ! but soon .. im really going to be sad.. Nana is going off already. oh ya. on last thursday, nana made me cry! he told me that he'll be going off on 1st march. and on the spot i went out from my workplace and burst into tears. thanks nana. but on that very time, he told me that he's going off on saturday instead of thursday.SO HAPPY. but only for a while.. as he will still be going off in no matter of time.. IM GONNA MISS YOU, NANA! haish. i wanna spend the last few days with you.. coz of this it will be difficult for us to meet.. kan Nana? haish! NANA, I MISS YOU! MISS YOU! AND JUST MISS YOU! I MISS YOU MORE & MORE!
spent my three day off meeting you. and last friday too. and yesterday. and know what? I have never had enough of meeting you, Honey. will be meeting you on wednesday. (: okay, Nana? and i really want to send you off. not only that. i want to meet you before you go off. :'(
okay. i have nothing else to talk. coz all that i wanna say is that.. IM SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD FOR SATURDAY. Nana, you heard me? Im really going to miss you! and all i think and wanna talk about is about how much im gonna miss you!

P/S: Yana! i really hope that you're free on saturday. teman me. if not Naz wont allow me to go..

2010-02-14T00:00:00.001+08:00

i wanna blog. alot in my mind. but nothing came out. haish. update some other time when i have put everything into sentence..

2010-02-11T15:39:00.001+08:00

I MISS US

2010-02-11T15:10:00.002+08:00

haha. why lost 4 important people coz of 1 guy? hey.. they are just my friends.. dont worry.. i know they are still there.. so i didnt lost them.. and ya.. coz i love you too much that i didnt say much about it.. and know what.. im fine with it already.. in fact you did help me, you know.. so its okayy.. dont need to worry about me losing my friends larh.. (:

2010-02-11T14:55:00.001+08:00

do what you think is the best. and if you dont want or forced to bother about it. might as well dont.. (:

2010-02-11T14:43:00.002+08:00

somehow.. i really find that you are like being forced, you know that.. listen.. i just need things to be the same.. this is not settle yet if you think that this is the way its going to be.. truly.. what is it that you want? i never said that you cant bother about my social life.. i really dont know what else to say.. i just feel like everything have went upside down. when i said you dont need to worry about me. you sort of scold me. and now.. you say like this. seriously.. do you think that everything is going to be fine like this? and about you saying that you will bother about my education.. you really sound like you have no choice. but to bother. what's happening nie?

2010-02-11T14:06:00.001+08:00

that's just a random post my dear. dont misunderstand it.. i just say i feel.. it doesnt mean im really saying that.. please. when will this end? how long more do you want to let this go on like this?

2010-02-11T13:53:00.001+08:00

this is killing me. just too much to post. im just being so random.
(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:
yeah. this is then the sewel syai.

2010-02-11T13:52:00.001+08:00

im enjoying every moment in life from now on. yeah(:

2010-02-11T13:45:00.001+08:00

life is just so great(:

2010-02-11T13:37:00.003+08:00

i really dont understand.. why is it that every of what i said comes in the other way for you.. now.. by you saying that.. i feel like you are really giving up on me.. as i said.. i did not blame you.. i really dont blame you.. dont you understand that? and all that im doing is just to make things better for the both of us.. tell me.. what should i do now? knowing that you are really not going to bother about it anymore.. seriously.. might as well.. i will just give up on everything too.. everything just crashed.. im saying goodbye to my goal in life. im really giving up.. no use already since there's no one that will be there to lend me their support.. even you? i'll just make my family's thought of me be a reality. and they will be really happy. im giving up. (:

2010-02-11T13:31:00.001+08:00

somehow. i just find some people are being hypocrite. advice on thing to one party. and another different side of the advice to another party. why are there this kind of people?
mark me. this is just a random post that's in my mind since yesterday afternoon. yeah. (:

2010-02-11T13:01:00.002+08:00

hm.. i know that i did get mad at you for quite long.. but that was due to the reason that i found it by myself.. its okay if you still wanna be mad at me over it.. and you said you have forgiven me.. but still.. why do i feel that you havent? why do i feel that whenever you told me to keep my sorry to myself, i feel as though you dont want and cant accept my apology? since now you have said that you have forgiven me.. thank you.. anyway. im not the one who judge if my mistake is huge.. you're the one who have to make that judgement.. i just need to know.. that's all.. and by the way.. no one make me to post that entry.. its really just me.. im not siding the one you think that have made me said that.. but honestly, that's what's in my mind.. im sorry cause you dont like me sharing our problems with anyone.. for you, i will try to keep everything to myself then.. i just dont want to have any problems between us about another party. i have had enough. i realised.. with everyone im close with.. that person will be the cause of our problem.. just every of them.. sometimes i really feel like its better for me not to make anymore friends out there.. coz i know.. when i make friends.. most of them will be guys and i tend to be just too close with them.. and that may bring another problem.. i guess.. i really should stop making friends. im not blaming you anyway.. im really doing this for own good.. right now.. i just want things to get settled and i dont want to hang on like this for a longer time.. i need us to be normal..i want to bring back the laughter that we have always had together.. be it on the phone or when we meet.. i really cant move on like this.. now im trying to set myself back to track. i have lost concentration in everything.. and i tend to easily get sick.. so i need strength to move on on my own at least.. and i need to set things right between us.. cause right now.. i depend everything on you.. i want to do well in my studies.. yet i feel like giving up even before i start it.. i really cant depend on my family.. there's only you left.. if we keep on having problems like this.. how can i move on? where can i get my strength and motivation from? i need us to be like we used to be, dear.. i really miss us..

2010-02-11T00:15:00.004+08:00

my mind is blank. i dont know what i should prove to you.. somehow i think back.. was my mistake so huge? maybe it is.. but isnt good enough for me to be honest with you rather than you finding out everything by yourself? if you find out things by yourself.. you'll be more hurt than now.. but still.. you're still mad over it.. somehow i feel like im being childish right now.. but what can i do? im just going to let out everything that's in my mind. so, mind my words.
i really didnt want to do this.. but im really helpless.. you remembered all the mistakes that i found out by myself? you said that it has no solid ground to proof that you're cheating on me.. but still.. i get to know it by myself.. and i didnt be mad at you for so long. for every mistake of yours, im the one who found it out. and you kept it from me. even though you said it does not have a solid ground.. its enough to hurt me. and now.. just this mistake of mine.. and good enough.. i told you honestly.. still.. there's no room of forgiveness. and things are still the way it is from that day. tell me.. what else should i prove to you? what? im blank.. so tell me.. i thought.. being honest is good enough.. but im wrong.
you've always asked me to put myself in your shoe.. this is my answer to you.. if i were you..
i cant deny the fact that i'll get mad.. but i must be positive.. i'll keep on telling myself that she's just your colleague.. and nothing more.. and i'll try to think back what have i did to hurt you before that i got this.. how much have i hurt you.. how are your treatment towards me all the while.. and i'll tell myself.. i should give you chance as its good enough that you're being honest..
im sorry if my post makes things worst.. but this is what im really feeling. everytime im lost in deep thoughts.. i will always asked myself.. what have i done? was my mistake so huge? was my mistake unforgivable? did i do another mistake by being honest? did i did a mistake by telling you about it by myself? am i so bad that you are mad for a long period of time? what if just for this mistake of mine, you break off our relationship? was my mistake so huge that you want to leave me? was my mistake the worst mistake anyone could ever make? why is it that just this mistake of mine, everything have changed? all this while.. i have heard alot about you from many parties.. all about your mistake.. and if im not wrong.. i still stay strong.. and i let it go.. and forget about it.. even though im really hurt coz i got to know it from other way and not from you.. and even till now.. i close all my questions that have yet to be answered about all of those i found out.. but why now for me.. things are so different? im sorry to have bring up this.. im really sorry.. i just cant bear with us being like this.. but i dont want to lose you..

2010-02-11T00:12:00.001+08:00

there's alot in my mind. yet nothing came into words. but i need to let it out. fcuk.

2010-02-09T23:39:00.006+08:00

when will there be room for forgiveness for me? when will all of this end? i hate moving on like this.. but im the one who have caused all of this. thanks Idah. you're GREAT. even if im the one who have caused it.. yet.. i still cry every single moment.. how shameless brat am i ? went to work with tears brimming in my eyes all the way.. trying to not let the tears drop.. but i cant hold on to it that i cried when i reached work. how shameless. really shameless. when on my way home.. again.. it happened.. i really dont feel like going home.. if possible, i wanna go to OUR place.. i wanna let go off everything.. i dont want to hold my tears.. i wanna let it all go.. i've spent most of my time wondering around.. till my mom talked to me also i ignored.. and sorry mom. i dont feel like doing anything. im lazy to go register. i dont want to do anything more.. as long as this is not settled.. i will think of nothing. not even my education. i dont give a damn anymore. coz i am stupid. (: so no use to do anything.. even my family gave up on me.. might as well give up.

imsorry.sosorry.verysorry.extremelysorry.
imsorry.reallysorry.veryverysorry.imsorry.
extremelysorry.pleaseforgiveme.
imveryveryverysorry.sosorry.
imsostupidtohavedonethat.imsorry.
verysorry.extremelysorry.
thoughtherewontbeanyroomforforgiveness.
iwontstopapologising.
imsorry.reallysorry.extremelysorry.
imsorry.imsorry.imsorry.reallysorry.
veryverysorry.extremelysorry.miserablysorry.
imveryveryveryveryverysorry.imsosorry..
imsosorry..imextremelyapologetic.
imreallysorry!imreallysorry.
imextremelyveryveryverysorry.
ididntwanttobreakyourheart.
imsosorry!imreallysorry.trulysorry.
iknownomatterhowmuchibegforforgiveness..
iwontbeeasyforyoutoforgiveme..
imsosorry!reallysorry!
iwontstopapologisinguntileverythingisokay.
imsososososososososososososorry!
imreallyreallyreallyverysorry!
imsorry!imsoveryveryverysorry.
imextremelysorry.reallysorry.
trulytrulysorry.forgiveme.
imsosososososorry.imextremelysorry.
reallysorry.trulysorry.miserablysorry..

2010-02-09T00:05:00.005+08:00

even if you sound fine, i know nothing is fine. i dont know how else i should seek for forgiveness.. i could feel that you're really mad at me even if you didnt show it to me.. when you called and told me to relax and enjoy myself.. you sound so calm.. so fine.. but my heart says you're not.. you're still mad at me and you're just doing that to make me stop crying. i know.. even my tears all meant nothing.. i know im not the one who is suppose to let go off the tears.. im the one who hurt you. im the one at fault. so i should not be crying.. i dont deserve any good treatments from you.. i dont deserve a shoulder to cry on. i dont deserve any sympathy. i dont deserve anything that's a bliss. even to enjoy my outing with my friends as you want me to.. i dont deserve all that.. i've hurt you. yet im having fun and laughter out there.. whille you.. trying to calm yourself? everytime i hug you.. all i feel is that i dont deserve to hug you anymore after breaking your heart into pieces.. i dont deserve anything from you.. when i met you.. i was like.. how can i have the cheek to meet you and asked you to be like normal? when im on my way to meet you.. all that was playing in my mind was.. who am i to ask for all that after breaking your heart? what the heck was i doing? and i really feel like im just a *insert word* that doesnt think about your feelings..even when i cry.. i dont expect anything from you.. not even to give me a shoulder to cry on.. but what did i do? i went to you.. like nothing happen and cried. how shameless i am ? how heartless i am? how freaking bitch i am? even to say sorry to you.. my mouth was sealed. coz you said you dont want my apology. how else should i apologise to you? when i called you dear.. you said you have been waiting for me to call you that.. but when i did.. i feel like .. who am i to call you dear after all that have happened? the moment you said that.. tears began to brim in my eyes.. i cant bring myself to call you any words like that.. coz i have the heart to disappoint and break your heart. im really sorry.. haish.. whenever im alone.. no matter how much fun i had before that.. i will end up in tears.. but those tears that flow down my cheeks doesnt deserve a single feeling of sympathy. i just feel so disappointed with myself for what i have done to you.. i just cant bring myself to stop crying or to stop damning myself. i am such a freaking fucking useless heartless person. im sorry but i really cant stop damning myself. i can never forgive myself.. and now i really feel like i want to end everything that im doing right now. i just feel like its better for me to just leave and stop hurting anyone.. stupid things have been running through my mind.. i have disappointed alot of people.. first it was my family.. now you.. who else will be next? sometimes i just wonder when im walking.. why am i born to hurt alot of people? really.. i dont know why these days.. im prone to think negatively.. im thinking.. what if i wonder too much then something bad happened to me? these days, on my way to work.. i have always almost encountered an accident.. it was more that thrice.. now with my unstable state.. what if i cant even hear the horns of the vehicle? i just feel like standing in the middle of the road.. i just feel like giving up in life.. if all i do is to break people's heart.. even if you said you're fine.. nothing is fine for me.. even if my thinking is like this.. im still worried about what may happen during my journey to and back from work.. im just being to prone to getting knocked down. im lost. i really dont know what to do.. i dont know how else to apologise to you.. how i wish i dont love myself. so that i can easily hurt myself everytime i hurt anyone dear to me. life would be so easy for me then. somehow now im thinking.. why didnt my life end when i was six or twelve when death is already near me? i really dont know what im thinking about.. i already dont know what is right and wrong. i have lost my pillar of hope and support. im now shaking without any pillar.. coz i've hurt all my pillar.. i feel that im solely on my own feet to bring myself up. even if you're there.. i dont deserve it.. i really dont deserve it.. coz im such a useless fucking brat. i shall stop loving myself too.. coz i really dont deserve a thing.

2010-02-08T00:44:00.002+08:00

im sorry for my mistake. ya, i guess.. i did not think before i did it.. but when i realised it.. it was too late. im sorry to have broke your heart. im sorry to have done that.. i think.. your trust for me have also gone.. im sorry.. i know even if i say sorry many times, there wont be any room of forgiveness for me. its just to heartbreaking. say anything you want to me. i dont mind. i deserve it. shout at me if you want to. punish me in any way you want. coz i know.. i have made your heart broken.. i should have not done it. i know.. and which is why.. i dont mind you saying anything towards me. just punish me. i really deserve all that you have said since the time you got to know about it.. i should have known the consequences.. but still.. im so bloody stupid. i know.. nothing can amend my mistake. now, you dont even want to text me.. u just want to be alone.. and now i really feel like im going to lose you.. im sorry dear..i just want you to know.. i still love you.. maybe even now, im not suppose to even say those words. im just like those bitches outside there i guess. i deserve those treatment from you. and i dont deserve to say those words to you.. not even to call u hubby or dear.. or anything. im just like any other freaking bad girls out there. who doesnt deserve a thing. i guess.. everything is gone in an instance. all thanks to me. and i myself cant forgive myself for what i have done.. so perhaps, i should give a punishment for myself too kan.. yeah. i should. im sorry. hm.. this word of apology shouldnt have come out from a person like me.. but i really regretted.. now its all up to you to forgive me or not..

2010-02-02T00:48:00.006+08:00

i have had a great day today with Hubby. heh. but still. im late for 20 mins. hehs. sorry, hubby.. then headed to orchard.. went to tangs to shop! haha.. bought everlast sneakers, skirt and waistbelt. then we went for lunch.. and headed to marina barrage.. the weather is so freaking hot uh seii. cant bear with it. haha.. then took pictures at there.. and then headed to BB. hahs. then on our way home in the train, i was tired. so i slept on hubby's shoulder and i didnt know that there's someone looking at me ever since he board the train. and i only know it when hubby told me. then, hubby said he feel like punching that guy or something. dear, u tak suka eh? hehe..hubby sort of mad at him coz he keep on looking at me.. then headed to our normal place.. then just spent some time together and headed home.. it was a short day for me. idk for him.. but i really enjoyed it. 9.9 Bie! haha.. thanks for everything and i really extremely enjoyed our 26th month sayang! (:

2010-01-29T20:26:00.003+08:00

bored sitting at home. argh. hm.. nothing to update eh. how? hahs. but i really feel like updating. haiseybedah! haha. let me talk about my boring day then. hahs. woke up at 915 and i thought that i was late for work. padahal.. today im not working. stupid right? then i tried to sleep back. but cant. then went to charge handphone for awhile. and mum saw me and yet she shouted at me to tell me to wake up ? and i was like, am i sleeping right now, standing? and went to bathe. and mum shouted again. telling me to fetch my sister as she's sick. so i went out to fetch my sister. and on my way back i bought breakfast. haha. padahal nenek at home cooking already. hahs. but i cant wait for her and i am craving for mee soto. so yeah, i bought that. haha. then bought bubble tea for nenek and bp aunt. and my sister too. she sick, but still want to drink bubble tea. oh ya, when i went to fetch her, there's this little girl, primary 1, sitting at the security area there as she want her mummy. then she asked the security guard why my sister can go home but she cannot. then the security guard said, " she's sick. so she can go home.. " and the little girl replied, " not fair! " in a cute sad yet high tone voice. haha. then i told her to don't be sad and must school so can become clever.. then she said to me that she dont want as she want her mummy. so cute. and i didnt dare to talk more. afraid that she'll cry. then after i had my breakfast at home, i went to sweep the floor.. and then i get ready to go BP to fetch my cuzin from school. woah, now i realise.. today my job is to fetch people from school. haha. oh ya, before i fetch her, i met hubby. in uni no. 4 ! (: hothothot! haha.. i loike! then spent time before he went for prayer and me fetching my cuzin. hehe. then after i fetch them, i went to their house as the house key is with me. and then spent time at there relaxing while waiting for my cuzins to be done with their own thing. oh ya, the cat at there so kurang asam. when i reached there, its under the sofa. told the cat to go out from there as i wanna play with it. but to no avail. stupid larh. but when i wanna go out already, the cat went out as he's hungry. so i gave him food. yeah. then played with it for a while. its been a long time since i touched a cat. haha. miss Benny! haha.. oh ya, the cat at my aunt's place is also quite big. but not as big as benny. haha.. first time saw her cat. coz its been a long time since i went there. hahs. after we make a move from her house, i brought my cuzins to fajar shopping centre as one of them is hungry and there's no food at home.. and she went to school while me and her sister headed to BPP. went to naked fish! haha. ( dear, i got what im craving for (: ) haha. then went to buy drinks at 7 eleven as my cuzin is thirsty. hahs. then she need the loo. and we headed to mcd. and when i went into mcd, there's a bunch of guys looking at me. i ignored them that i cant even hear them calling my name. should be my friend. opps. i ignored him. but idk who as i didnt even give them a glance. i know that they are calling my name as my cuzin heard them calling me but i just walked away. haha.. till now, im thinking.. who are they? no wonder they keep on looking at me from the moment i enter the door. and then, we went home. haha. when reached home, idk why im so rajin today that i washed the toilet? haha. washed my clothes and end up washing the toilet too. haha. and just now, there's a war at home. my brother, sisters and cuzin shouting at each other. and me? i just tegur my sister that if she shout, she's the one making more noise. coz she was shouting at my brother and sister, who was fighting with each other, to tell them that they are very noisy. stupid larh. she her ownself making the most noise. non stop shouting. and i just said, " i dont want to get involve. you all so noisy. and stop all the nonsense. alr sec, but act like a kid. " and straight after i said that.. everything went silence. as my cuzin called her mum to complain. while my sister called my mom to complain. haiyoo. this two sister and brother of mine.. they can never joke around together. as this will be the result. everytime. know what's the worst part? my brother wants to strangle my sister with a towel. he's just like my father. PANAS BARAN. idk how else to tell him to control his anger. he cant move on like this uh. i dont want my brother to be someone like my father. i need him to learn to control himself. i cant ignore his attitude like this. he may hurt anyone when he's real mad. just like just now. but idk how to talk to him.. should let him grow more mature to think about it. coz i know, till now.. he's like a kid. tsk.okay. im done for now. haha!

dear, im counting to 1st feb! u planning kan? okay best! haha..

2010-01-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

family are the ones that help you and they are always there when you're in need of some encouragement to move on.. but what happened to me? they are the ones that demoralize me to excel and do better.. they didn't give any support or word of encouragement. instead words of discouragement comes out from every of you.. i want to achieve my goal. but all of you are stopping me from doing so. its my future. i know you all wants the best. but what are you giving me right now? what are all this nonsensical that you all give me? putting all the blame on me.. come on uh. think back. so far, during my exams, what did you all do to give me support? you all give NOTHING. in fact, you all are making me feel more stressful at home. till now, there's nothing that you all do to give me courage to move on and achieve my goal in life. i know i'm already spoiled. but you all are making things worst. i want to give myself another chance to revive and do much better.. but it seems like you all won't agree with it at all. what should i say about this attitude of all of you? all of you are just being selfish. i know that the fees are not cheap. but did i say i want you to pay for every of it? i didn't even ask you to pay anything. because i know it will be hard for you. i'm helping you and myself to get a better life. but this is what i get? i know i'm a failure right now. but it doesn't mean that i will always be a failure throughout my life. but if i were to get this kind of attitude from each of you.. my life will end here. there will be no future for me. seriously, now you all are making me to quit studying, do you know that? NO. you DON'T. why? cause you have never asked me for my own perception of thinking. even if you asked, you will do NOTHING to change your decision or anything. now i'm just trying to find encouragement and support for me to do things on MY WAY. i want to excel and achieve my goal. but i KNOW. I WILL NEVER GET ANY SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE CALLED MY OWN. and i have stop myself from hoping for any words of encouragement from any of you. thanks a lot for making myself demoralized. ily people.

2010-01-28T00:40:00.003+08:00

met Hubby on Tuesday(: i had a really nice day with him.. its been so long since we met. and im missing him lots. heh. went to have breakfast. but he didnt. except that he just ate a little bit. ( not counted eh dear) haha.. then we went to sit and relax.. had fun chatting.. reading magazine together.. doing the quizzes in the magazine.. and the most important part, we had a great time. and seriously , i felt really happy on that day. its like im on cloud nine. as its been like ages since i met him.. and this time when we met, there's alot of laughters.. at least to me it is.. but to you, im not sure sayang.. whatever it is, thanks for the time spent.. even though, the we cant meet for long, its okay.. i still have had a great day with you.. now im looking forward for our anni.. just hope that nothing last minute happen that we may need to change plans again. and i hope that this will be another day which is full of laughter.. i want it to the memorable day.. but.. i need your help in planning, sayang. i cant manage alone.. heh. hm.. but one thing is making me sad as days passed by.. im going to miss you so much when you go for NS.. which is why too, if can, i want to spent as much time as i can.. and i've been planning to meet you every week at least once.. but is that possible dear? with me working and the things going on in our personal life? hm.. anw, thanks so much dear for comforting me.. appreciate it lots, bie.. ILY !

2010-01-22T02:23:00.002+08:00

when will everything recover? imisstheoldtimes,dear. i miss the laughters we had together. the memories we had together during our relationship.. everything is just so sweet for me to let go. confession. sometimes, i do feel like breaking up. but i keep on asking myself.. will i be able to move on? what will happen to u, me and us? what will happen to all those beautiful memories we had together? despite im hurt alot of times, i still stay strong and tell myself, everything is going to be okay. relax. maybe, me being no feeling is all the effect of this. i've cried enough in my lonely nights. but to think back, why cry? every tears is precious. but i still didnt give a damn. i love you too much that im like this. if i really dont love you or care abt you, i could have end our relationship without stretching it much longer. when i first accept you, yeah. i have no feelings for you. but i didnt realise how the feelings grew in me that till now, nothing change my love for you. trust me. i know i've been telling you abt my love for you is not the same. but its all a lie. a lie and not the truth. i never thought to have love you that much. remember dear.. when you asked me to think abt it and tell what's my decision? you know, from that moment i feel as though its the end. i wanted to end it. but all the memories and things that we have been through, tell me not to let you go and tells me that this will just be a matter of time. even if there's no more trust. if i really dont love you, we wont have gone this far.. and if i really dont love you, the moment you made me feel i really cant move on, i would have ask you to let me go.. i miss those beautiful memories. i miss the time when everything was smooth for us. where people envy us for having no problems.. only if i heard nothing abt you.. maybe nothing like this will happen. however, it can also be the same. dear, i need to get things set right. i cant move on like this. this is like hell. i miss the moments when you made me laugh nonstop.. i miss those moments whereby im full of laughter and bubbly. now, everything is gone.. i want it back. i miss the old times so freaking much.. i miss you too..

2010-01-22T02:06:00.002+08:00

i know.. im no more the Idah that you used to know.. how i wish that i didnt not change.. how i wish that nothing that have made things to be like this to happen.. i realised that my attitude towards you is different.. i realised that these days, we cant bring up a conversation. i didnt mean to say all that bad characteristic of you.. i just know that there's something that hinders me from being like i used to be. somehow too, i find that all that have happened, made me to have no feelings. sometimes i do feel that my heart is empty. when i asked myself why, i will just end up in deep thoughts.. im like lost in another world. im like trying to look into the future. how will my life be? when will all this misery end? when will things get back to its usual place? lots and lots of question are playing in my mind.. but there are no answers to any of it. is this what people call life? to think back, my life has never have a long lasting happiness.. my childhood, my teen life.. all gone in a glance. where's the life that everyone would love? people say live your life to the fullest. but me? am i able to live my life to the fullest? im trying my best to pull through all that have been happening.. but i've always found myself struggling.. these days, my emotions arent stable. could get angry at any time. irritated at most of the time. and i hate sitting alone. even though, i used to love being alone. but now, no. haish. im tired.

iloveyounomatterwhat.itsjustamatteroftime..

2010-01-14T11:19:00.002+08:00

finally.. everything is back as it should be.. thanks to those who have helped me. i really hope that this time, everything will move on smoothly as we said, we'll start a new beginning(:
iloveyou,dear.

happy birthday to my granddad. haha. getting old will make one to be more like a kid. seriously. today idk how many times he called home to talk with her beloved wife. haha. CUTE larh eyy. my granddad is really acting like a kid today. haha. he silently trying to find out what we are planning for him as late last year he said that we always celebrate his wife's birthday. but not his. then he start to sulk. and we just ignored him. and on monday, me and grandmom discussed about today. haha.. granddad keep on asking grandmom what she's cooking today.. and said to her not to cook and he will treat us. hahs. so yeah, as me and grandmom planned. haha. he told me to order 3 sets of pizza. haha. again. im so going to be fat. pizza for almost every single day. haha. today never work also eat pizza. haiyoo. hahs. so i've ordered it. and now i heard ibu saying that my greatgrandmother is also coming today. haha. really celebrating granddad's birthday.. haha. good that i took a day off today. specially for my granddad. haha. today is going to be like a family reunion. haha. happy 62nd birthday Granddad! (: Live long.

2010-01-10T00:37:00.002+08:00

why do these days im feeling so down? everytime im alone.. i will feel freaking down.. what's happening? i feel as though everyone that i've planted hope for them to lend me a listening ear gone in just a moment.. the one whom i've always needed is also.. like gone when im in need.. not in need. just when im lonely.. who should i turn to? i need you. but why must i be left with no one else except my MISS. my dear friend, you're always there when im in need. but not anymore. now that i've found someone to replace you, i feel as though now, that friend of mine is going away too.. my dear.. where are u when i need a shoulder to cry on? idk what's the reason that im crying for.. but what i know is that im really feeling freaking lonely.. i need a friend.. besides my MISS.. i really need a friend.. another close friend.. someone who will always be there for me when im in need and when he's not there.. it was just for a moment that i feel that i've found a replacement.. where all my friends that used to be always there for me? i hate being alone.. i hate feeling like this..

I NEED A COMPANY WHO CAN ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME..